Living in Season

Have you ever noticed how often people say things like: “I feel this is my season to grow in this area…” or “I’m ready for a season of change in my life.”  You can interchange “life” with: job, location, relationships, etc.  You know you’ve heard them all.

Just as the natural world marks seasons by change and process, we mark our seasons this way as well.  Seasons string together and what is gained in one season is needed in the next.  What is planted in one season is yielded in the next, which is consumed or stored in the next season, and replanted in the next and on and on.  The truth is, we need these seasons to have productive, fruitful and full lives.

I think the biggest error we can make is to not allow ourselves grace to be present in the season that we are in.  A single person can become full of sorrow waiting for a match, while a married person can be resentful of the freedom someone single enjoys.  Those who have children in school can become tired or burdened with the busy-ness of extracurricular activities and slumber parties, while the parent who has just seen their child off to college yearns to have those years again.  Children can’t wait to grow up and then adults wistfully look back at the “days of their youth.”  You see what I’m saying?

We can waste our seasons wanting to be in a season other than the one we are in and miss the gold that is waiting for us right now.  Some lay about in plain sight, but others you have to climb for or dig for.  (Think of the squirrel and how he forages for acorns.  He goes AFTER it- even through many obstacles and difficulties) Every season, even the difficult ones, are an invitation into a process of “becoming” and the joy that can be found there.

I’m learning (or re-learning, I guess) how to find peace and joy in whatever process I find myself in.  It’s like when you are baking brownies.  It’s such a mess: flour everywhere, sticky measuring cups, gooey countertops…but at the end, brownies exist.   Something so delicious came from ingredients that apart from one another are simply ordinary.  Sugar is too sweet, flour tastes like nothing, salt is well, salty…

But in process, with time…they have the potential to be something truly delicious.

Sometimes when I’m in the midst of cooking something in my life, it’s so easy to just stare at the ingredients and get overwhelmed or anxious that it’s not going to turn out or taste right.

Allow your season to be what it is.  Embrace the mess, the pain, the discomfort of becoming and allow yourself to become.  Enjoy the process!  Tasting the batter along the way is part of the fun.

Launch Out! Launch Out into the Deep!!!

So I recently lost my job.  A job I had loved and had given me freedom in so many ways.  I knew our company was experiencing some financial setbacks so when one of my best friends and CEO of the company texted me to tell me that he and the owner of the company had to talk to me and that it "was not good" I knew I had lost my job.

In one way, it was so good to get that text because I cried all day in preparation for this meeting.  Prayed and pleaded with God.  I have been in desolate places before.  I have been in poverty.  I have seen my credit drop to a dismal rate before as I struggled to make ends meet.  So I did not want to go back there again.  But even as the enemy bombarded me with his ridiculous lies, one strong, defiant, and resounding truth pounded into my heart:

"I have always taken care of you.  I will never stop.  When have I not provided for you?"

I know.  I know, Jesus.  It's true.

Tonight I was thinking about how God knows EXACTLY what is going on.  He is not surprised when things like this happen.  And even when the enemy attacks, God is right there DOING something on my behalf.  Jesus is right there, INTERCEDING to the Father.  For me.  For me!

I've also been thinking that this is a superb time to take some risks.  Have an adventure!  My life is a blank canvas.  God can do ANYTHING!  If he opens doors for me to move- I could move somewhere! Do anything! My parents have always encouraged us to go for our dreams and to follow God with ABANDON!  We grew up pretty poor with my dad following his heart and God's voice into full time ministry INTO THE FARMLANDS!  (I'll just let you know that often doesn't pay a lot.) For the majority of my life, my dad has made less than $100/wk with my mom making the majority of my family's income.  They have sacrificed their time, money, and energy on their kids and on the path that rose up before them.  But...We have ALWAYS been provided for.  Oftentimes in the craziest of ways.  So my faith level for provision is pretty high. (Although it is NOT always easy to stay in that place)

Anyway- I was talking with a friend about this at length and as we spoke God revealed a lot to me and as I shared with my friend, the words released boomeranged back to bless me as well!  It was amazing! So these are some of the words God released to both of us:

"Fear is not of God. Resist the devil and he WILL flee from you! He is waiting around, wanting to devour you with his lies. It may not be a specific place you have in mind, but there is a plan for you.

Cast your net out! We could apply to positions and jobs all over the world in places we are drawn to and have felt passionate about. I have some top places that I am casting my net out into and seeing what will happen.  I'm just going for it and seeing what opens up to me.

I think you have to cast your line or your net before you can expect to catch any fish.  Sometimes this is a bigger step of faith than just hoping God will come deliver fish to your doorstep! If you're just sitting on a boat not trying anything, SURE you are safe from risk but you also have nothing to eat for dinner that night.

You have to launch out into the deep.

With God it is always further up and further in.

God is creating an opportunity for you to trust him and he wants to take you on an adventure because he knows that is something your heart truly craves.

But you can not hold onto doubts and anxiety and tether your boat to dry land in fear of uncharted waters.  You have to LAUNCH OUT and trust the one in the boat with you.

Trust that no matter what storm could possibly rise up, it would be no big deal to him.  It wouldn't be anything he couldn't handle. He would sit up from his nap and say, "Dearest- what on earth are you worried about? I'm still with you in this boat, aren't I?"

Nothing is too big or impossible or daunting or scary for God.

He has promised that the fire will not burn you and the waves will not pass over your head.  He has promised himself to you, dear one.  You can trust that he is a steady and experienced captain.

Tell Jesus your needs, wants, desires. Tell Jesus and pursue his heart.  He will take care of the details.  Cast your net out in faith and watch Jesus fill your net with fish.  They were afraid to listen to Jesus because they were afraid they wouldn't catch any fish but when they did listen, their boat was weighed down from the ABUNDANCE!

The Lord had provided.  He had brought the promise.

You have to understand that the Lord doesn't just want to keep you out of the poor house and provide for you.  He wants ABUNDANCE for you.

Overflow.

Sweet Tally

We passed Talitha's birthday recently.  The day she was stillborn.  I'm just the aunt, you know.  But I miss her.  I've never been more excited about a baby being born in my life and I often wonder if I ever will be like that again. Not even my dear Sophia, my little Lela, my lovely Havalah.  I eagerly awaited their arrivals and celebrated their births, but no one was like Talitha.

The anticipation was palpable.  I had marked on my calendar the days Bill and Katie would be seeing the doctor,  I had marked what days would represent a new milestone in her gestation.  I counted each week she was alive as a new birthday and would call my sister to say, "Happy 5 weeks!"  I read articles as she grew. I had papered the walls of my cubicle with her ultrasounds.  I had printed out e-mails that contained information regarding her. I bought her a baby book, and clothes and presents!  I was ready for her to come.

When we made it past the 2nd trimester, the thought of a miscarriage went with it.  I thought we were in the clear.  Home stretch. I was devastated when I got the call that they could not hear the heartbeat. Not possible.

I fought for Tally.  I prayed for her, begged the Lord for her life.  Believed in her healing.

She was healed.  But I would have preferred it done my way.  Of course.

Disappointment does NOT cover what we went through.  Disappointment does NOT cover it.  Sadness, no.  Something very important in MY heart was taken when Talitha died.  Alot of what she was made of...Hope. A very thick sweetness died.  The sweet and innocence of first hope.  FIRST.

But Talitha lived.  She lived...she loved...she grew...she dances now.  She sings.  She plays.  She loves.
It's never NOT been constant for her.  I don't believe she was in pain when she died.  Her death sounds gruesome.  Asphyxiation and detachment from the uterine wall.  Sounds violent.  But I know she didn't feel it.  I know she was not in pain.  I am certain.

I believe for Tally, it was as effortless as floating a boat under a bridge.  Dark for a moment ...then back out again.

She's only known love.

What has also been interesting to process is Lela.  This little nugget of jubilation and delight.  I remember when God gave me the passage in Isaiah for Katie and Bill.  He told me that he would restore what had been taken from them and give them double portion.  Recompense.  A double portion restitution for that which has been taken.  Lela was the recompense.  She was.  I don't say that to Bill and Katie...I don't talk about a lot of my feelings about it because I don't want to make them sad....or upset in any way.

But the truth is, if Talitha had lived, Lela would not exist.  Fact.  There is no scenario where two little girls would have been running around playing together.  Lela was sent as recompense.  Out of the goodness and justice of God's heart because of what had been STOLEN.

It is not God's will that Talitha got sick...or died.  But in God's mercy and love, he works everything for our good.  In his mercy, he took Talitha and healed her and gave her life.  And in his mercy, he sent a double portion of joy, beauty, life, love....Lela Jubilee.  I believe that.  It is certainly not fair, but it is good.

I wish Talitha had lived, but I am glad that now- they both get to live. Just in separate houses for a while.  Talitha will spend a little of that time without us, but for the most part- we will all be together most of the time.  We will all live.

Its hard to be too sad when I know that is better.  Is that wrong that I see it that way? Not better that we have experienced the shades of death and grief but that Talitha got to bypass the crap parts of life and get right to the good stuff?  Better that we have Lela AS WELL as Talitha.  Instead of just one?

I don't know...

Just processing I suppose.

Amnesia of the Heart

I re-read the post below and I am encouraged. Because today is a day where I don't feel like believing what the Lord has said.  I had a dream a little while ago.  It took my breath away because it was my wedding and there was so much beauty.  I won't give anything away but one thing I noticed was the appearance of these tiny blue flowers everywhere.  When I woke up I just could not get them out of my head.  At one point during the ceremony they had lifted this blanket, or shawl, or veil made of these little blue flowers and they had lift them from behind me all the way over my head to in front of me.

Finally, I asked the Lord, "What were those little blue flowers?  They were so beautiful and I don't think I've ever seen them before."

Almost immediately I heard,

"Forget me not's"

"No! That's too crazy" I thought, because I immediately remembered other things he had said to me before:

"Do not forget the things I have shown you.  Do not forget the things I have told you.  Don't forget that I am God and that nothing is impossible with me."

I still didn't believe.  Of course.  So I went to the internet and looked up the flower in google image.  1st result...there it was.  Beautiful, small, forget me not.

It only takes the smallest amount of faith.

So...I will have my wedding...and hopefully it will be as beautiful as the dream I had.  And we will gaze into each others eyes...and have Red Velvet cake (my favorite) and it will be wonderful.

In his time everything is beautiful.  At least- that's what he says.

Months Later and I Still Think About China...

It's interesting how a place and a face can so invade your space.

Rhyming is fun, once in a while.

Contending for a promise is hard when it seems impossible.  But I've also discovered that when you can hold that promise with completely open hands, you can find freedom.  I believe what the Lord has said to me.  I believe him.  I believe the dreams, the visions, the words, the prophecies, the scripture, the lessons, the books, the passages, the coincidences and all the other confirmations God sent my way to let me know that , "Yes, Melissa.  I have spoken this." but also that, it wasn't constant confirmation to guarantee the promise, but to let me know that this would be hard.  Near impossible.  An absolute miracle.

Even he said it.  Said it to my face that one day after we both just could not come up for air.  "It will have to be a miracle if this works out." But he also knows.  He was also told, and given words, and prophecies, and scriptures.  But he is still scared and intentionally looking the other way.

BUT HERE IS THE FREEDOM.

Holding a promise with both hands is knowing, but giving, and letting, and being.  I know what the Lord has said, and so I give it to him freely, with abandon.  TRUSTING him.  Trusting that I have to give back what was shown to me, because it was never and will never be mine.  It will always be his.  God let us have free will.  He lets us choose.  And that releases all control out of my hands.  It is God and it is choice.  And my part?  I stand.

Until God moves my heart along and changes the subject, I stand.  I do not move.  I believe.

But I believe with a quietness, and a peace.  A peace that requires nothing of me except faith.

I don't fast unless he asks. I don't pound my chest in war, unless he asks.  I have done those things, but now I wait.  I have surrendered.  It has all died.  Multiple times...over and over....cruel death after death....and now there is just life.

Me and Him.  He and I.  King and Princess.  The way it was meant to be.  There is only good for me.  There is only blessing and abundance.  So I rest...my hands holding a promise.  Wide open.

Knowing that no matter what--- no matter what man may choose--- I have made my choice.

My king, my love, my best friend, my safe.

And I know that all is well.  And no matter what outcome, I win.  I win.  And Love wins.

Love wins.

Chifeng, China......HERE I COME!!!!

I’ve always loved children. Even when I was a child, I loved children. When people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up, Melissa?” My first, exuberant response was, “A MOMMY!!!” My family loves to recount a story where I was asked, at the age of 4, how many children I wanted. My response was an insane amount such as, ten thousand. Later, as I grew older I would often try to convince my parents to adopt or foster parent. I didn’t understand why there were orphans in the world when there were so many people with love to share.

I’m writing this letter to you because I have been given an incredible opportunity to visit a special needs orphanage in Chifeng, China this summer! I am going with the organization Visiting Orphans. Please check them out at www.visitingorphans.com. Visiting Orphans works with government run Social Welfare Institutes (SWI) to help bring love and assistance to some of the 20 million children without families in China. I will be part of a team bringing joy and love to these little ones through games, crafts, music, etc. I am so excited about squeezing these little ones and blessing the workers and children there in whatever way we can.

As you can imagine, I will need a lot of prayer and moolah (money) to go to China! I signed onto this trip several weeks ago but at that time, the trip date had not yet been decided. In the last week or so, the trip date has been set for the first two weeks of JUNE! (Which gives me about 2 weeks to raise the first $2,000!!) The trip cost will be around $3800-$4000! Some of you are probably thinking, ‘She is crazy to think that she can get all of that money together in such a short amount of time!’ WELL...my thought is that if it is God, it is good. I believe that with God, anything is possible!

Thankfully Visiting Orphans has provided a way to donate that is tax-deductible for you and will then go toward the cost of my trip. For those snail-mail recipients, I have enclosed an envelope where you can send me your donation and then I’ll send them together to the Visiting Orphans office. You can donate online as well at http://www.visitingorphans.com and click on “Donate” on the top right of the home page. Then you can select “Chifeng, China-May 2012” under “Fund Category” and then click “Yes” under “Would you like to designate this donation to a specific team member?” and then type in my name. Either way is fine. I do have a special request, however. If you are able to donate financially toward my trip, would you please do so within the next week? I apologize for the late notice and thank you in advance for understanding!

I will be blogging about my experiences and the weeks leading up to the trip on my blog, http://www.songsofthesongbird.blogspot.com. On that website I will also have prints of my original artwork or commission pieces available for donors. At the end of my trip I will also select by drawing, from all of my donors, a winner of a photo scrapbook of my trip! I want to offer these things to you because I want you to have something of my heart to show you my gratitude for your generosity and love.

Please pray for this trip to be a blessing to the children and workers we will be interacting with. Also pray for the unity and heart of our team as we reach out in love and for safety as we travel. Pray for me that I would continue to step out BOLDLY and in CONFIDENCE when I hear the sweet prompting of the Lord. I am so excited to see what he does on this trip!!! Lastly, please pray for these workers and children that they would continually feel the love of God in their lives, that they would truly KNOW him and LOVE him.

Thank you so much for reading my letter and joining with me in this amazing adventure!

Love,
Melissa Mowat

Changing Lanes... Part 1

I’m packing up this office…cubicle…this corporate hermitage…and I’m actually kind of sad. There are memories here and two years spent well and constant. This was a place of incubation where God showed me about hope, faith, trust, Sonship, discipline…and really many more things. I'm going to do this in parts. So part 1...

I’m passing through a year and a half of memories and find that many are woven to a man. It all really started with a pear. It sat on my desk for three days making me feel special. I doubt he realized how that small gift had made me feel but it had melted my heart. He excited me and terrified me at the same time. He was the sweetest, most tender heart and yet there were sides to him I didn’t know how to respond to. Looking back, I know now that it was the control that controlled me. I could not predict this one…make sure he was safe…put him in a box. He is to this moment, one of the most unpredictable and brave men I have ever known.

I spent many of those 18 months afraid to show this man my heart…afraid to reflect his own back to him. I was not ready. And that’s just all there is to it.

I can’t think of this man without thinking of how Jesus knit me closer to his own heart through that relationship. It was a hard little union but it was good. God started it and he worked in it and through it and used it for my good. For our good. That I do know. God opened that door and only he can shut it. And until he does, I’m just standing in the doorway, waiting. And I’m completely okay with that. I’ve never been more content and full of joy in my life.

No matter what, I am convinced that there is only good in store. My God is a good, loving, and kind Father. He works all things together for my good.

It's going to be great. No matter which way others may choose in life...I choose my Jesus, my Savior, my Abba, my Jehovah Jireh.

It doesn't matter to me which happy road my Elohim leads me down...the result of my choices and the choices of others around me... no matter which way... Each path leads to goodness. It is ALL good. :-)

Thank you, Papa!

Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot

I miss Corot.

I fell in love with Jean when I was in college. Somewhere between 18 and 23 I met him on a cold rainy day. He was mysterious and brooding with a touch of whimsical and I was delighted by him. It amazed me how he could touch the darkest depths and brightest heights of my imagination with just one glance. He made me laugh, cry, sigh, wonder, dream, dally, determine, focus... He made me feel alive! And the creativity endlessly bloomed from my chest out the tips of my fingers...

When I was around Jean Corot, I could stay up all night looking through his eyes. I didn't like everything he said. In fact, there's a good chunk of his thoughts and impressions that I cared nothing about. Sometimes he talked about his life in the country or people he knew and I was transfixed, but othertimes he droned on in drab tones and blockish renderings that I could scarcely let him continue. Next subject please!

He usually could win me when he talked of trees. No one has ever talked about trees quite like Jean did, except perhaps J.R.R. Tolkien, but that's another verbal obeisance altogether.

I loved the way Jean would talk about trees.

He described the leaves with the utmost respect...the way the sun would shine through them in midday making them bright with color and glowing...in solemn shade...in the wispy ethereal dew of morning. He made the willow sound mostly optimistic as she attempted to stretch her hands into the sky and depicted the poplars as whispering socialites at a ball. I could almost hear their hushed voices.

The first time I really, REALLY saw Jean Corot, in person that is, was in Chicago. It was somewhere around my 4th year (the 2nd Junior year, that is). I remember not expecting to see him there. I was surrounded by all these well-known visionaries and he is so often overlooked. I turned a corner and saw him at the end of the room. I knew instantly it was him. The darkness, the light. All intermingled in a myriad of emotions, thoughts, and expressions on his face. For a moment, I could not breathe. I truly could not.

You know that feeling, I suppose. When you see someone you did not expect to see. Your true feelings come out, you know. If you expect to see them, you have time to think...time to prepare and line up all your thoughts and emotions. But when you're not expecting it...it can hit you like a gale and leave you breathless. You know in that moment not what your soul feels about that person, but how your heart truly feels.

I approached slowly. My eyes wide with surprise and delight, tears forming in the corners. I stood in front of him. It surprised me to feel warm tears, lilting slowly and sweetly over my cheeks. I just couldn't believe it was really HIM. The man who had so captured and spoke my heart over those short years. He had captured it to utter perfection...an exact likeness. And I was forever greatful.

I thought of all the times when he had known me, shown me myself. Gently and without even a hint of invasiveness...like tiny mirrors, reflecting a tiny piece here and there.

I wanted to reach out and touch him but there were guards positioned by the doorway and I know that it could also be his ruin. I rocked back on my heels and drank him in. Tears brimming, heart thankful. A tiny mirror.

Roller - written in 2008

I remember being so small that when I was strapped into rollercoasters as a child, I was never quite sure they would hold me in. I remember one particular time I rode one of those rides that is one giant circle. You climb into this metal bench, and a bar is clamped down over your lap. That's it. Nothing else. Then you climb into the air, looping upside down and doing a perpetual hamster wheel run. Sometimes, they pause you right at the top, so you are pretty much dangling...by that metal bar. That one time I was 6...a scrawny, lanky kid with limp, white blond hair that lay flat and soft on my bean shaped head. I was all limb and bone with no cares in the world. Until this day. The bar didn't even come down to my waist because I was riding with my cousin who was bigger than me.

It's amazing how I can remember being so small.

When we got to the top and every unhaltered loop, my hips would slam against that bar leaving a gaping current of air between my butt and the seat. I would feel my body sliding out of the seat, losing connection with the ride I was on and reaching to fall into air. And then we would careen down with gravity and I would slam back down onto the seat.

I thought I was going to die. But I didn't.

I didn't die.

Read me, Read into me, Read My Lips

So...I have a chronic disease. SELF-SABOTAGE. I don't know how one recovers from this disease. I only know that there is something in me that refuses to allow myself to be happy.

With that said...there are a few things I can't stand:

-When someone has decided who they think I am when they have not really seen who I am
-When someone does not appreciate me for who I am.

You know- I am a good catch. I know I am.

Unresolved Issues with God

I'm re-reading "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.

This allegory is more like my own personal journal. Honestly, IT'S MY LIFE.

There are two things that have been "hitting" me lately.

1. There is a point where Much Afraid (that's her name, and again, fitting) gets where she has followed the Shepherd toward the promises he has made her and it just doesn't seem to be working out. Every time she thinks they are going towards the promises, they have to take another detour or go a different way that takes them longer. At one point she thinks about going back. She feels deceived by the Shepherd and wants to go back to the way that things used to be. Go back to her old life. Maybe it was hard, maybe she was trapped...but at least she knew what to expect. She entertains that thought for a while and when she begins to REALLY think of leaving the Shepherd, she feels like she is looking into a deep abyss of hopelessness. It is at THAT moment when she cries out to the Shepherd to come to her. She clings to him saying, "If you could deceive me, my Lord, about the promise and the hinds' feet and the new name or anything else, you may, indeed you may; only don't let me leave you. Don't let anything turn me back..."

Good for you, Much Afraid. Good for you.

Right now, I would LOVE to be able to say that. The truth is, I do NOT trust God like Much Afraid is learning in this section. I do not. The point is not that God could deceive her, because he can't. The point is that she is saying, "Even if you could, you may....because I trust you and YOU are the most important thing...not the promises you've given me." Wow. Hurrah, Much Afraid. I applaud you because I am NOT there yet.

I WANT to be like Much Afraid. Right now, I feel like God could deceive me, and I am not okay with that. So I've got some control issues and some trust issues. Big surprise.

2. Throughout her journey, there have been several places where the Shepherd has asked Much Afraid to make an altar and sacrifice parts of her old self (the process of dying to self). Towards the end of the journey to the High Places, she has to make one final sacrifice. On this altar she must put two things: all the promises the Shepherd has made her and her desire for human love.

I feel like God is asking me to put those same things down on the altar, and I find I am not able. I WANT TO, but I don't know how.

So...this post is not really a post to inspire. And it's not well written, but who cares. No one reads my stupid blog anyway. I just need to vent. I'm basically really exhausted right now...and hurt...and frustrated.

Trust. Patience. Waiting. Giving up Control. Resting in God. Relaxing. Give Grace. Give it time. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. Seek My Face...Look to ME...Undivided Focus, Undivided Heart.

Why does it seem like all of the things God is telling me right now, I am unable to do?

Jesus, Give me mercy. Shower me with your grace. Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. I am at the end of this rope, and I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to quit everything and everyone and start over. I'm not afraid anymore and I thank you for that. But now I am just angry. And there is this boiling rage in me...this hatred that I don't know what to do with. Help me to forgive. Help me to love and to see others with your eyes and your heart. Create a new heart in me, Lord. Help me to seek your face. I'm empty God. I am gutted out and empty. And I am angry. HELP ME, PLEASE.

JOB 36:16

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. "

I am in Christ, He is in me.

In looking for identity in men, I lose sight of my identity in Christ. My gaze is not firmly set on Him. The word of the Lord says I am IN Christ and that he is within me. I am within Christ and therefore, I am secure. My heart is encased in his. He in me and around me. He perpetually flows till he surrounds... surrounding from the inside-out; covering every surface of my being.

With that in mind, I have been given new garments and new armor. I am a new creation IN Christ. I am clothed in strength and dignity, with robes of righteousness, with purity. I am clothed IN Christ. I have taken off the old and put on the new. I am ready for my wedding. I am a bride of Christ! And over these beautiful garments is an armor that is strong and sure.

This new armor of God is also MADE of God. The breastplate of righteousness- HIS righteousness. The helmet of Salvation- HIS salvation. (The knowledge of his sovereignty, the confidence of his hand around me, the validation of his part in every aspect of this armor.) The sword of truth- the very tongue and mouth of God. The list goes on. If this armor is MADE of God then I am clothed in Christ...I am armed with Christ. I put on Christ. Therefore,since I am in Christ, I don’t need to “put on” that armor every day…it is ON! All I need to do is look down and remember it is on, remind myself I wear Christ! He is my skin, he is the body in which I reside.

So I recount every unique part in praise and thanksgiving to my King. This praise and thanksgiving flows through this armor, drawing me closer to it. This allows a freedom. I can sit STILL in this armor… waiting and still…and in this quiet, secret place, I am INVISIBLE to the enemy. He can not touch me if he can not find me! And out of this stillness comes rest.

I am His, and he is mine. He is in me and I am in him. Out of rest, I can truly abide; BE with the Lord. In all circumstances, he is my all. He is my all, because he longs to and IS permeating every millimeter of my existence. Inside-out. Surrounding me on ALL sides—including the inside. And SO, I can boldly BE. I can BE, because he has wrapped himself in and around me, and my identity is securely protected by Him. We must be identified together now. For no one will or should be able to look at me and not see Him. He is my face. He is my armor.

The anticipation of my life is that the covering of his heart over mine will one day be grafted to my own heart. That I will have his heart. That HIS armor, will one day be grafted to my body, so that I will be like him and carry his likeness boldly on this earth.

Identity- Seeing Ourselves the Way He Does

12I love to watch people.

I used to accredit myself as an unofficial sociologist...finding myself fascinated with the way people interact, move, talk...etc. In recent years, however, I haven't been looking. In fact, I've been doing everything NOT to look. Somehow I have gotten it into my head that if I am not looking at them, then they won't be looking at me. It's an interesting way to isolate...and completely ludicrous. I see that now. (It's amazing how little you see of your odd behaviors when you are seeking to be unaware.)

It reminds me of a friend of mine. When he was a little boy he would play peek-a-boo with his parents. He would close his eyes, covering them doubly with his chubby little fingers. The suspense would build in those moments before the "great reveal." They would say "Peek-A-Boo" but he would remain shut off...eyes closed...hands in place. He would brightly chime, "You can't see me!"

This strikes something deep in me...even to recount this funny anecdote. This past year, God has been caring for my heart so tenderly. He has blessed me and done amazing miracles of healing over old wounds. He revealed to me how I had certain habits and behaviors that were unhealthy. The most encouraging part was that they weren't really me. It had felt like the genuine article, because I had been using them to protect me and to shield me for years. It was familiar. Those aspects of me may have been how I was choosing to live, but the most freeing moment came when God revealed that I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT. I could choose freedom by just looking to the face of God. I kept asking myself the questions, "Do I believe that God is who He says He is?" and "Do I believe that I am who God says I am?"

Seeking and BELIEVING God we discover our true identity...we can see ourselves more clearly looking first to Jesus. He knows us much better than we know ourselves.

This year has been a long, hard, amazing, fruitful, wonderful, painful, stretching, rewarding, loving, tiring, abundant year. And I am so thankful. God is re-shaping my identity...he is healing me. Whenever I TRY to speed up the process or DO something, it never works...but when I let go, let go of control, God leads me...and it is true rest, and peace always follows. He is beginning to show me how to live by the spirit and not by my soul (emotions). This particular gift came last Tuesday, December 7th:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love to watch people.

At the grocery store, the man behind me plops down a box of "Wheaties" on the conveyor belt next to my bananas. I look him over. Quite handsome. Single. Mid-30s. Well-built. 'Had the 'Wheaties' contributed?' An inward chuckle and chide to self and my eyes are immediately on the man in front of me. A thick European accent drifts from his lips toward a man, who by look and speech, must be his brother. 'Aren't we all so beautiful?' I think happily. Each so uniquely fashioned and designed- each pulsating literally and figuratively with such facets of wonder... I find myself musing over the Brothers and Wheaties-Man... What their lives are like...families...jobs... We are all so beautiful.

As I walk to my car, a wonderful feeling rises up out of me. 'I'm awesome!' I elate. 'I really am! I'm beautiful. I'm talented. I'm intelligent. I'm witty. I'm fun. I'm full of life and adventure and I am a daughter of the King! Jesus, JESUS LOVES ME! Life is actually good! It's not hopeless...I'm going to be okay. God loves me!'

This is true joy! To celebrate myself the way my Father does...in honesty- no shred of conceit or bragging ambition...acceptance of the reality and truth of WHO I AM...who God has made me into...who he continues to fashion after Himself.

This is identity.

This is true esteem. Not the self-esteem so strived for...No. This is a holy unified esteem. One that expressly praises the Creator- His flair for individuality and His love of His creation. I am with Him but I am me. He is in me and I am in Him and we are inseparable. He made me and I am beautiful, but NOW He is IN me and WITH me. I shine with Him. His residue is thick, his stain glorious. I can't be near him and it not rub off on me. I take after Him.

I take after Him!

I take after my beautiful, holy, glorious, perfect, wonderful, Father!

I will never feel ugly again. If I should...if I WOULD... I would blatantly be choosing to embrace a lie. I am not insufficient...I am not unworthy...I am not ugly or unlovable or a failure. I did not, could not, will not mess up the plans and abundance God has for my life.

In Christ I am everything, for HE is everything and I am in Him.

Morose Joy?

I don't know how you can have gloom and joy at the same time....but I've experienced an interesting cocktail of the two today.

Maybe morose or gloomy aren't fitting. Maybe they are too fatal, too hopeless.

And let's be true here...there is always hope.

Yesterday morning I awoke from this amazing dream. In this dream I was spending the day with one of my friends. It was a bright dream- full of God's love, grace, and peace. This followed a rough night, so I half-expected my dreams to be fraught with anxiety and peril.

No. God was showing me grace abundantly. Grace and promise. Two things I didn't/don't/have never deserved. Yes he showered me in them.

Shortly after I awoke, other thoughts crowded in...a deep sadness overtook me. I've rarely felt the heaviness of this particular feeling. I didn't even want to get up. (not from fatigue but from hopelessness) I WAS LISTENING TO THE ENEMY...agreeing with his awful thoughts, letting HIM tell me that I was not good enough....WHY TRY? It's hopeless! Hide! Run! MOVE AWAY! Change everything around you...to protect what you're too scared to change in yourself.

WOAH! That last one was new revelation. Just now.

This went on all day. Everytime I would pray, I would see a picture of Jesus' outstretched hands. I could see the nail piercings, the blood flowed continuously and wet...but it was not gory. There was a beauty and richness to this scene. He was offering me his grace...but I felt undeserving. So I looked longingly at it and took it in small doses.

I played worship at youth group and through God's Grace- he led me through this mess to His presence! I could actually FEEL myself going from this despairing, lethargic place...through a door...into the presence of God...into worship....

About an hour after worship though, I was bombarded with vicious lies from Satan. I felt unsafe, alone, afraid...and so tired of fighting the enemy. I wanted to connect with friends but was unable. The enemy had built me a beautiful wall of enchanted glass. One I could hide behind and see others, but they couldn't quite see me. I was safe. I was misunderstood. I was alone.

When I realized I had been misled by the enemy, I pounded my fists angrily against the glass... but anger didn't solve anything....just cut gashes into my fists and bruises into my arms.

At the end of it...I lay in a heap of hurt...not completely sure how I got there.

Today..., the struggle continued....but I stopped listening to Satan...and started replacing his lies with truth. I kept repeating the truth....kept soaking in it... until I was saturated.

God is being very loving today. I am still inexplicably sad...a strange sorrow has tainted everything. It's almost as if I have been soaking in peroxide (truth) and even though it is extricating all of the germs and darkness, IT BURNS!

I can not recall ever having such a shadow over me...so I don't know what to think. Something has been struck...something buried deep. So even though there is this sadness...I also feel a little excited and full of hope...

One of the verses I have been meditating on is:

2 Corinthians 12:9+10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God's grace will sustain me...it is enough. All by itself...it is enough. His power will blend with my weakness. I will be molded into his perfection....reinforced. SO I can rejoice and have joy even when everything is confusing, even when I am frustrated, even when I don't know what's going on, even when I am weary, even when I feel beat-up... because I know that by God's grace, he will supply me his power to strengthen and carry me.

And I know he's got it all figured out...and eventually he will clue me in.

God's grace will wrap around these wounds...like fluffy gauze. His power will flow through me like a mighty wind...oxygen to my pain...

And I will be well...

In the Morning When I Rise....Give me Jesus.

It is one of my favorite things in the WORLD right now, to wake up and feel Jesus with me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes Jesus picks out my clothes. Sometimes he wakes me up. He almost always says something really sweet to me. (Let's be honest- he probably always does, but I don't always hear him) I have felt this feeling on and off in my life, but these past months, I have never felt it stronger. It is awesome.

I used to sing that song- "In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus" and I sometimes wake up with that running through my head... but often, two verses stream through my mind like a stockmarket ticker. It usually comes out in a short phrase: "When I awake, still I am with you." and "Surround us in the morning with your unfailing love." Another one occasionally making it's way in is "His Joy comes with the morning."

My favorite ones aren't even verses- they are just little reassurances. "I am here." "You are beautiful." "I love you."

This morning for example, God woke me up. I had somehow turned off my alarm and set it at the wrong time. But I woke up at JUST the right time. With no alarm. Thank you Lord!!!

Today I felt a message. Calm, steady and peaceful.

"Stop overthinking, Melissa. Follow the heart I gave you. I gave you your life- why won't you live it? I have orchards of sweet fruit for you to taste. Will you try some?"

Somehow I have always tried to turn the grapes into wine without even tasting if they were ripe. I always end up with crushed, bruised fruit...and purple feet. So ripen up that fruit, Lord... cause I will want some!

Insecurity Rock Bottom.

I'm there, Lord.

I've had enough.

I'm sick and tired of letting insecurity win. I'm disgusted with how it cheats me, how it shames me, how it causes me to doubt myself, how it steals my dignity, how it causes me to hide. How it heaps regrets on my heart.

I'm exhausted from trying to hide. I'm weary of second guessing EVERY thing I do in certain situations with certain people.

Insecurity is deceitful. Sometimes it doesn't permeate every area of your life. Sometimes it only shows up in a few situations, a few relationships...

I've been asking myself- Why these relationships? Why these situations?

Someone said something that kind of hit me- the relationships that have the potential for the most impact, or the relationships where God really has a purpose- there is sometimes the most fear. My insecurity is triggered by those situations.

I keep hearing God tell me to relax. TO just be. And part of me is waiting for these people to get as fed up as I am...to stop wanting to get to know me. I EXPECT them to give up...to reject me, and because I do not feel certain of their intentions, I do not relax. Somewhere I'm trying to figure out what they want from me. It is too impossible to think that they simply want to get to know me.

Self-sabotage.

Lord, break this spirit of self-sabotage, this spirit of fear, this self-protection, this UNBELIEF in YOUR SECURITY.

I'm reminded of a song we sing at church. Because the truth is- this all comes down to Him and I. It all comes down to how intimately he wants me as his own. When I wake up, I hear him singing. I hear him say, "When you rise in the morning, still I am with you." When I go to sleep, he yearns to take my analyzing, and my self-criticism. He wants me out of myself and in Him. Insecurity is buried in SELF. And that is one of the core sins of insecurity.

You get to the point where you DO feel so wounded, so bruised, so used, so DONE- and then there's you. And why are you alone now? All your thoughts start pointing inward until you have built a nest of infesting thoughts of self. You are the dichotomy of self-exaltation and self-deprication.

And our Father wants us to be free. He WANTS US TO BE FREE!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face! And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his GLORY and GRACE!

You won't relent until you have it all! My heart is yours!
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart...as a seal upon my arm...
For there is love that is as STRONG AS DEATH...
Jealousy demanding as the grave!
And many waters cannot quench this love!

Come be the fire inside of me!
Come be the flame upon my heart!
Come be the fire inside of me!
Until you and I are ONE!

UNTIL YOU AND I ARE ONE!

Lord, Change my heart. Take my heart. Let it be yours. Mold it and shift it and change it to yours! I give you my heart. I give you my issues. I give you my stuff. Take it Lord.

What is Insecurity?

I've learned a valuable lesson in the last couple weeks. Insecurity masks itself in several forms. I know this, because only a few months ago, I would refute that I had an issue with insecurity. I've started reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and as always when reading her work, I feel an affinity. She puts my own insecurity into eloquence with these words:

"Keep an open mind to what an insecure woman looks like, and don't be too hasty to let yourself off the hook just because one dimension of the portrait doesn't look like you. The fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it."

Wow.

She brought to light several forms of insecurity including a concern for how others view and interact with us. For example, "Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong? ...a strong desire to make amends even when I HAVEN'T done something wrong?"

Wow.

This happened just last week. There was a mess of gossip among my circle of friends and in my church, and I had this
need to investigate the root of this gossip- to be a little detective, a curious little kitten. My goal, was to discover the root of this gossip and dig it up. I had a talk with a very good friend who asked me if I needed to talk this out for my sake or for his.

Wow. That got me.

It was for me! It was for my own insecurity. I had to suss it all out... I had to tie all the loose strings back together. It would make me feel better if all the parties involved would stop talking about me or get it right.

Security would look different.

A lot different.

Security would say, "Well, they think XYZ about me and maybe they only have Y right, but oh well. God, I give this to you. Thank you for being my shield. Thank you for being my face...and for keeping it. I'm going to rest in knowing EXACTLY who I am... in you..."

Yep...that's what she would look like.

God is revealing my security in him...and it is interesting so far. Last week he prompted me to FINALLY join the gym at my work. Last week, my tight jeans were hanging off of me. Last week, emotions I didn't think I was ready to address, surfaced. Last week I bought a new shirt. This week I bought "So Long, Insecurity" and this week God broke several chains regarding my heart tied to the wounds people had inflicted in me. God removed swords, spears, and arrows from me.

I've never felt more secure amidst uncertainty.

The whole husband thing... it's coming sooner than I am "ready" for... but God's got it.

The whole missions thing...it's really going to happen...sometime in my future...it's not just a speculation now...God has PLANTED those desires DEEP within me... but God's got it.

The whole being loved, being hurt thing... God's got it.

The whole losing weight, being seen thing... God's got it.

God's telling me...as gently and as firmly as he does- "I've got it Melissa. I've got it. REST in my arms. REST in my security! I've got it. I've got it."

VICTORY OVER LIES!

Have you ever felt viciously pursued by the enemy? At every turn he is there, lurking in shadows, whispering venomous lies. I sit in silence driving my car, and he is at my side, trying to convince me my life is of no worth, that God is finished, that love is not mine. LET ME TELL YOU, LOVE IS MINE and I am loved with the only LOVE I will ever need: Jesus Christ's!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalm 60:11
Give us aid against the enemy, for the help of man is worthless.

Psalm 64:1
[ For the director of music. A psalm of David. ]
Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the
enemy.

Psalm 13:2
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have loved Jesus for years and in different seasons of my life, I have watched as he has claimed area after area of my life. This past season, God has pushed me further then ever! I have seen Jesus CLAIM my life, move MOUNTAINS, CRUSH SNAKES in my path, HURL BOULDERS away from crushing me, DO MIGHTY AND WONDERFUL THINGS! I have seen God bless me and love. I have been honored to even occasionally be used by God!

And I am thrilled.

If you've followed my posts, a lot of this has to do with obedience, and listening to God speak to me... trying my very best to trust him, to listen, to obey. I do not always succeed, but when I do- it is Christ within me that is succeeding! HE IS DOING IT ALL! Left to my own defenses, I would have withered into dust by now. Christ is powerful! SO POWERFUL!

As Christ has blessed me, I have felt the enemy's anger brood and boil in the darkness. Even as I write this, he fumes in fury! IN the past month, Christ has urged me to take up his sword (the HOLY living WORD of GOD!) and battle LIE after LIE! In the beginning, I prayed, I sought the prayer and help of other Christians and cried out to God...

WHO HEARD ME!

Psalm 107:6
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.

And you know what he said? "PICK UP YOUR SWORD!" (He used SEVERAL methods to deliver this message, and it came at the perfect time.)

Listen to some of these lies! Listen to God's responses!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIE 1:
Years ago, when you needed God the most, he abandoned you. He let you get hurt by men. Men are not trustworthy and neither is God. You really can not trust anyone.

TRUTH 1-A: I can TRUST GOD!
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

TRUTH 1-B: God did NOT abandon me!
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.


Psalm 27:10
Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

Psalm 94:14
For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.

TRUTH 1-C: God has DRAWN me nearer to him with every ache of my heart!
Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

TRUTH 1-D: The Lord wants to FIGHT for me!
Exodus 14:14
14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

The TRUTH IS: God never left me. He wants to RESTORE me! There were times when I was hurt as a child and as an adult, but God spared me in SO many ways! And he has turned those wounds into beautiful scars! Scars that now shine with his glory and his RESTORATION!

Isaiah 61:3
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

AMEN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIE 2:
You have been rejected by many people you have loved. Obviously, you are lacking where there is need..you are not enough. Not only are you not enough in SO many areas, you are also too much! You need too much, love too much, want too much out of life! Why can't you just take what you get and be satisfied?

TRUTH 2:
Psalm 139:13-18
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
***

When I looked at the original translation for verse 17, I saw that this could also be worded, "How precious concerning meare your thoughts, O God!" WOW! When God thinks of me, he is thinking wonderful things. Psalm 139 is an amazing scripture talking about how much God loves us! How valuable he considers us! HIS PRECIOUS thoughts about us, OUTNUMBER the grains of sand! Have you ever been to the sand dunes, let alone the ocean? WOW!

The Second lie deals with self-worth! We are not enough, or are too much! DOESN'T EVERY woman feel this way at some point?!?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIE 3:
Your sins are too dark to be covered by God. He will forgive you and let you into heaven, but your life will be forever marred because of the mistakes you have made. No good man will ever REALLY love you. You will never be good enough.

TRUTH 3:
HE HAS SET YOU FREE...YOU ARE FREE, INDEED!
John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 3:17-19
17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.[a] 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world

Isaiah 62
Zion's New Name
1 For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn (until you shimmer)
her salvation like a blazing torch.

2 The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory(your beauty);
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

3 You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand (the crown of creation,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

4 No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her),
and your land Beulah (married);
for the LORD will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

5 As a young man marries a maiden (he pursues her, romances her),
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride (you are lovely),
so will your God rejoice over you. (emphasis added taken from "Captivating" by Stasi Elderedge)

God doesn't just want to SAVE us, although he is the SAVIOR and has promised that if we accept him. He also wants to REDEEM us! RESTORE us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIE 4:
Being thin is not safe. Whenever you have been physically beautiful in the past, men have tried to devour you. If you lose weight or make an effort to be aesthetically pleasing, a man will only love you because you are pretty...not because of who you are. He will objectify you, cheat on you, and hurt you. You need to be overweight. God is not big enough to protect you against the advances of evil men!

TRUTH 4: (in several parts)
GOD WANTS ME TO BE RESTORED:
Jeremiah 30:16-17 (New International Version)

16 " 'But all who devour you will be devoured;
all your enemies will go into exile.
Those who plunder you will be plundered;
all who make spoil of you I will despoil.

17 But I will restore you to health
and heal your wounds,'
declares the LORD,
'because you are called an outcast,
Zion for whom no one cares.'

I WILL RESTORE YOU!

GOD WANTS ME TO TAKE CARE OF MY BODY
1 Corinthians 9:24-27
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

I've been saying this verse to myself whenever I workout or go on a run:
Isaiah 40:31

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.


GOD WANTS ME TO BEAR HIS BEAUTY:
Zechariah 9:16-17

16 The LORD their God will save them on that day
as the flock of his people.
They will sparkle in his land
like jewels in a crown.

17 How attractive and beautiful they will be!

God has promised to be with us and to give us his freedom (2 Cor 3:17)...these lies promote captivity. As we grow in Christ, we grow into his image, and into his mind...we hopefully begin to resemble him quite a bit.

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

This is one of my all-time favorite verses, because it illustrates the kind of beauty the Lord wants us to pursue. That we will bear and testify HIS beauty! We REFLECT the Lord's glory! How awesome is that? That God loves us so much, he allows us to bear on our physical and spiritual lives a vestige, a TRACE, of his glory! Wow! Thanks, God!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REMEMBER THIS: SATAN WANTS TO LIE TO YOU! HE WANTS YOU TO SETTLE FOR LESS! IF HE'S ALREADY LOST YOU TO THE SALVATION OF THE LORD, HE WANTS TO FURTHER IMPRISON YOU AND LIE TO YOU TO HOLD YOU BACK FROM GOD'S CLAIM AND CALL ON YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

Isaiah 44:20
20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"

IT'S A LIE! AND HE'S A LIAR!!!!

John 8:44
You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

BE ENCOURAGED! FIGHT LIES WITH THE SWORD OF TRUTH! It is fitting that God has called it a sword...mine has seen a lot of battle lately. PLEASE don't let Satan capture you and defeat you. FIGHT him with the sword God has given you!


Psalm 31
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, [a]
and my bones grow weak.

11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.

12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave. [b]

18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

22 In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.




Psalm 18:17

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

LET'S RECOGNIZE.

It's 4:00 a.m.

One might wonder why I am awake at such an hour.

It's really not a terrible thing. I just have to go to the airport in a half an hour to deposit my sister and brother-in-law safely on an airplane back to Traverse City, MI.

My sister flew down Saturday night, and her husband flew in Sunday afternoon. He works for an airport, so they are pretty much granted free airfare whenever they want if they are willing to fly standby.

So...I got to have a little superbowl party with my sis, bro and cousin... It was great. OH YEAH...except for that one part where the Colts lost. Let's not talk about that.

God's been doing a lot...but when is he NOT doing a lot? I should say, I've been able to see some of the stuff God has been doing a lot more clearly lately.

Satan has ATTACKED me these last couple weeks with LIES. It's been crazy the mini-battle marching in my head. Satan will lie...usually something like, "Melissa, you are unlovable and not enough." And I will think,

'Um. No...Satan I'm not." And he will say,

"Yes you are. Remember this and this and this? These things PROVE that all I say is true. Let's be honest. You're not good enough. You never will be." And then God will say,

"Melissa, Satan is a liar. I made you with my hands! It was MY breath that breathed life into your lungs. It was I who thought of every little thing about you before you were made. I gave you your big blue eyes, and your sensitive heart. I looked down at you and thought, 'this one will bear my beauty and I will use her for MY glory.' Melissa, you are mine. You let me in long ago and I will NEVER leave you. I am yours. Satan is a liar."

And this went on. And on. And on. Satan would lie. God would proclaim.

It was exhausting.

But the last two days, I started to realize one way that Satan was getting such a foothold of my mind was because PART OF ME BELIEVED HIM! Even when God was POURING his love and his TRUTH into my heart, PART OF ME....Part of me thought,

"No. He's right Lord. I am worthless. Don't you remember how I hurt you? Don't you remember how I twisted the nails in deeper? Don't you remember the density of my sins wrapped around you as you hung on that cross?"

Part of me really didn't forgive myself. And this is the doorway which Satan trotted through, head held high...ready and MORE THAN WILLING to wreak havoc in my mind.

Today in church one of the pastors gave a sermon very close to this war. He talked about freedom from religion....freedom from the law. He briefly talked about forgiving ourselves. And this hit me. IT hit me.

I went up for prayer and my sister came along with me and prayed with two women from my church. There was a really cool moment that I felt something being lifted or moved...like a shadow had been blocking this light...and then it moved...and the light was pulsing down...

I even opened my eyes to see if maybe I was just seeing a light source through my eyelids, because sometimes that happens...and it was hazy like that...

But there was no light source where we were standing.

I wish I had had the faith to keep my eyes closed and focused on that light. It was vibrant.

I told God that I wanted to forgive myself. That I wanted to see myself the way he saw me even through my mistakes and through my past that has wounded me.

My mind was settled after that.

Pray with me and for me as I enter these exciting and dark caverns. God is helping me discover many layers...and I don't know if there is more to the path of forgiveness...all I know is that today...the battle was the Lord's...and he WHOOPED on Satan!