What is Insecurity?

I've learned a valuable lesson in the last couple weeks. Insecurity masks itself in several forms. I know this, because only a few months ago, I would refute that I had an issue with insecurity. I've started reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and as always when reading her work, I feel an affinity. She puts my own insecurity into eloquence with these words:

"Keep an open mind to what an insecure woman looks like, and don't be too hasty to let yourself off the hook just because one dimension of the portrait doesn't look like you. The fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it."

Wow.

She brought to light several forms of insecurity including a concern for how others view and interact with us. For example, "Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong? ...a strong desire to make amends even when I HAVEN'T done something wrong?"

Wow.

This happened just last week. There was a mess of gossip among my circle of friends and in my church, and I had this
need to investigate the root of this gossip- to be a little detective, a curious little kitten. My goal, was to discover the root of this gossip and dig it up. I had a talk with a very good friend who asked me if I needed to talk this out for my sake or for his.

Wow. That got me.

It was for me! It was for my own insecurity. I had to suss it all out... I had to tie all the loose strings back together. It would make me feel better if all the parties involved would stop talking about me or get it right.

Security would look different.

A lot different.

Security would say, "Well, they think XYZ about me and maybe they only have Y right, but oh well. God, I give this to you. Thank you for being my shield. Thank you for being my face...and for keeping it. I'm going to rest in knowing EXACTLY who I am... in you..."

Yep...that's what she would look like.

God is revealing my security in him...and it is interesting so far. Last week he prompted me to FINALLY join the gym at my work. Last week, my tight jeans were hanging off of me. Last week, emotions I didn't think I was ready to address, surfaced. Last week I bought a new shirt. This week I bought "So Long, Insecurity" and this week God broke several chains regarding my heart tied to the wounds people had inflicted in me. God removed swords, spears, and arrows from me.

I've never felt more secure amidst uncertainty.

The whole husband thing... it's coming sooner than I am "ready" for... but God's got it.

The whole missions thing...it's really going to happen...sometime in my future...it's not just a speculation now...God has PLANTED those desires DEEP within me... but God's got it.

The whole being loved, being hurt thing... God's got it.

The whole losing weight, being seen thing... God's got it.

God's telling me...as gently and as firmly as he does- "I've got it Melissa. I've got it. REST in my arms. REST in my security! I've got it. I've got it."