Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Morose Joy?

I don't know how you can have gloom and joy at the same time....but I've experienced an interesting cocktail of the two today.

Maybe morose or gloomy aren't fitting. Maybe they are too fatal, too hopeless.

And let's be true here...there is always hope.

Yesterday morning I awoke from this amazing dream. In this dream I was spending the day with one of my friends. It was a bright dream- full of God's love, grace, and peace. This followed a rough night, so I half-expected my dreams to be fraught with anxiety and peril.

No. God was showing me grace abundantly. Grace and promise. Two things I didn't/don't/have never deserved. Yes he showered me in them.

Shortly after I awoke, other thoughts crowded in...a deep sadness overtook me. I've rarely felt the heaviness of this particular feeling. I didn't even want to get up. (not from fatigue but from hopelessness) I WAS LISTENING TO THE ENEMY...agreeing with his awful thoughts, letting HIM tell me that I was not good enough....WHY TRY? It's hopeless! Hide! Run! MOVE AWAY! Change everything around you...to protect what you're too scared to change in yourself.

WOAH! That last one was new revelation. Just now.

This went on all day. Everytime I would pray, I would see a picture of Jesus' outstretched hands. I could see the nail piercings, the blood flowed continuously and wet...but it was not gory. There was a beauty and richness to this scene. He was offering me his grace...but I felt undeserving. So I looked longingly at it and took it in small doses.

I played worship at youth group and through God's Grace- he led me through this mess to His presence! I could actually FEEL myself going from this despairing, lethargic place...through a door...into the presence of God...into worship....

About an hour after worship though, I was bombarded with vicious lies from Satan. I felt unsafe, alone, afraid...and so tired of fighting the enemy. I wanted to connect with friends but was unable. The enemy had built me a beautiful wall of enchanted glass. One I could hide behind and see others, but they couldn't quite see me. I was safe. I was misunderstood. I was alone.

When I realized I had been misled by the enemy, I pounded my fists angrily against the glass... but anger didn't solve anything....just cut gashes into my fists and bruises into my arms.

At the end of it...I lay in a heap of hurt...not completely sure how I got there.

Today..., the struggle continued....but I stopped listening to Satan...and started replacing his lies with truth. I kept repeating the truth....kept soaking in it... until I was saturated.

God is being very loving today. I am still inexplicably sad...a strange sorrow has tainted everything. It's almost as if I have been soaking in peroxide (truth) and even though it is extricating all of the germs and darkness, IT BURNS!

I can not recall ever having such a shadow over me...so I don't know what to think. Something has been struck...something buried deep. So even though there is this sadness...I also feel a little excited and full of hope...

One of the verses I have been meditating on is:

2 Corinthians 12:9+10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God's grace will sustain me...it is enough. All by itself...it is enough. His power will blend with my weakness. I will be molded into his perfection....reinforced. SO I can rejoice and have joy even when everything is confusing, even when I am frustrated, even when I don't know what's going on, even when I am weary, even when I feel beat-up... because I know that by God's grace, he will supply me his power to strengthen and carry me.

And I know he's got it all figured out...and eventually he will clue me in.

God's grace will wrap around these wounds...like fluffy gauze. His power will flow through me like a mighty wind...oxygen to my pain...

And I will be well...