Amnesia of the Heart

I re-read the post below and I am encouraged. Because today is a day where I don't feel like believing what the Lord has said.  I had a dream a little while ago.  It took my breath away because it was my wedding and there was so much beauty.  I won't give anything away but one thing I noticed was the appearance of these tiny blue flowers everywhere.  When I woke up I just could not get them out of my head.  At one point during the ceremony they had lifted this blanket, or shawl, or veil made of these little blue flowers and they had lift them from behind me all the way over my head to in front of me.

Finally, I asked the Lord, "What were those little blue flowers?  They were so beautiful and I don't think I've ever seen them before."

Almost immediately I heard,

"Forget me not's"

"No! That's too crazy" I thought, because I immediately remembered other things he had said to me before:

"Do not forget the things I have shown you.  Do not forget the things I have told you.  Don't forget that I am God and that nothing is impossible with me."

I still didn't believe.  Of course.  So I went to the internet and looked up the flower in google image.  1st result...there it was.  Beautiful, small, forget me not.

It only takes the smallest amount of faith.

So...I will have my wedding...and hopefully it will be as beautiful as the dream I had.  And we will gaze into each others eyes...and have Red Velvet cake (my favorite) and it will be wonderful.

In his time everything is beautiful.  At least- that's what he says.

Months Later and I Still Think About China...

It's interesting how a place and a face can so invade your space.

Rhyming is fun, once in a while.

Contending for a promise is hard when it seems impossible.  But I've also discovered that when you can hold that promise with completely open hands, you can find freedom.  I believe what the Lord has said to me.  I believe him.  I believe the dreams, the visions, the words, the prophecies, the scripture, the lessons, the books, the passages, the coincidences and all the other confirmations God sent my way to let me know that , "Yes, Melissa.  I have spoken this." but also that, it wasn't constant confirmation to guarantee the promise, but to let me know that this would be hard.  Near impossible.  An absolute miracle.

Even he said it.  Said it to my face that one day after we both just could not come up for air.  "It will have to be a miracle if this works out." But he also knows.  He was also told, and given words, and prophecies, and scriptures.  But he is still scared and intentionally looking the other way.

BUT HERE IS THE FREEDOM.

Holding a promise with both hands is knowing, but giving, and letting, and being.  I know what the Lord has said, and so I give it to him freely, with abandon.  TRUSTING him.  Trusting that I have to give back what was shown to me, because it was never and will never be mine.  It will always be his.  God let us have free will.  He lets us choose.  And that releases all control out of my hands.  It is God and it is choice.  And my part?  I stand.

Until God moves my heart along and changes the subject, I stand.  I do not move.  I believe.

But I believe with a quietness, and a peace.  A peace that requires nothing of me except faith.

I don't fast unless he asks. I don't pound my chest in war, unless he asks.  I have done those things, but now I wait.  I have surrendered.  It has all died.  Multiple times...over and over....cruel death after death....and now there is just life.

Me and Him.  He and I.  King and Princess.  The way it was meant to be.  There is only good for me.  There is only blessing and abundance.  So I rest...my hands holding a promise.  Wide open.

Knowing that no matter what--- no matter what man may choose--- I have made my choice.

My king, my love, my best friend, my safe.

And I know that all is well.  And no matter what outcome, I win.  I win.  And Love wins.

Love wins.

Chifeng, China......HERE I COME!!!!

I’ve always loved children. Even when I was a child, I loved children. When people would ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up, Melissa?” My first, exuberant response was, “A MOMMY!!!” My family loves to recount a story where I was asked, at the age of 4, how many children I wanted. My response was an insane amount such as, ten thousand. Later, as I grew older I would often try to convince my parents to adopt or foster parent. I didn’t understand why there were orphans in the world when there were so many people with love to share.

I’m writing this letter to you because I have been given an incredible opportunity to visit a special needs orphanage in Chifeng, China this summer! I am going with the organization Visiting Orphans. Please check them out at www.visitingorphans.com. Visiting Orphans works with government run Social Welfare Institutes (SWI) to help bring love and assistance to some of the 20 million children without families in China. I will be part of a team bringing joy and love to these little ones through games, crafts, music, etc. I am so excited about squeezing these little ones and blessing the workers and children there in whatever way we can.

As you can imagine, I will need a lot of prayer and moolah (money) to go to China! I signed onto this trip several weeks ago but at that time, the trip date had not yet been decided. In the last week or so, the trip date has been set for the first two weeks of JUNE! (Which gives me about 2 weeks to raise the first $2,000!!) The trip cost will be around $3800-$4000! Some of you are probably thinking, ‘She is crazy to think that she can get all of that money together in such a short amount of time!’ WELL...my thought is that if it is God, it is good. I believe that with God, anything is possible!

Thankfully Visiting Orphans has provided a way to donate that is tax-deductible for you and will then go toward the cost of my trip. For those snail-mail recipients, I have enclosed an envelope where you can send me your donation and then I’ll send them together to the Visiting Orphans office. You can donate online as well at http://www.visitingorphans.com and click on “Donate” on the top right of the home page. Then you can select “Chifeng, China-May 2012” under “Fund Category” and then click “Yes” under “Would you like to designate this donation to a specific team member?” and then type in my name. Either way is fine. I do have a special request, however. If you are able to donate financially toward my trip, would you please do so within the next week? I apologize for the late notice and thank you in advance for understanding!

I will be blogging about my experiences and the weeks leading up to the trip on my blog, http://www.songsofthesongbird.blogspot.com. On that website I will also have prints of my original artwork or commission pieces available for donors. At the end of my trip I will also select by drawing, from all of my donors, a winner of a photo scrapbook of my trip! I want to offer these things to you because I want you to have something of my heart to show you my gratitude for your generosity and love.

Please pray for this trip to be a blessing to the children and workers we will be interacting with. Also pray for the unity and heart of our team as we reach out in love and for safety as we travel. Pray for me that I would continue to step out BOLDLY and in CONFIDENCE when I hear the sweet prompting of the Lord. I am so excited to see what he does on this trip!!! Lastly, please pray for these workers and children that they would continually feel the love of God in their lives, that they would truly KNOW him and LOVE him.

Thank you so much for reading my letter and joining with me in this amazing adventure!

Love,
Melissa Mowat

Changing Lanes... Part 1

I’m packing up this office…cubicle…this corporate hermitage…and I’m actually kind of sad. There are memories here and two years spent well and constant. This was a place of incubation where God showed me about hope, faith, trust, Sonship, discipline…and really many more things. I'm going to do this in parts. So part 1...

I’m passing through a year and a half of memories and find that many are woven to a man. It all really started with a pear. It sat on my desk for three days making me feel special. I doubt he realized how that small gift had made me feel but it had melted my heart. He excited me and terrified me at the same time. He was the sweetest, most tender heart and yet there were sides to him I didn’t know how to respond to. Looking back, I know now that it was the control that controlled me. I could not predict this one…make sure he was safe…put him in a box. He is to this moment, one of the most unpredictable and brave men I have ever known.

I spent many of those 18 months afraid to show this man my heart…afraid to reflect his own back to him. I was not ready. And that’s just all there is to it.

I can’t think of this man without thinking of how Jesus knit me closer to his own heart through that relationship. It was a hard little union but it was good. God started it and he worked in it and through it and used it for my good. For our good. That I do know. God opened that door and only he can shut it. And until he does, I’m just standing in the doorway, waiting. And I’m completely okay with that. I’ve never been more content and full of joy in my life.

No matter what, I am convinced that there is only good in store. My God is a good, loving, and kind Father. He works all things together for my good.

It's going to be great. No matter which way others may choose in life...I choose my Jesus, my Savior, my Abba, my Jehovah Jireh.

It doesn't matter to me which happy road my Elohim leads me down...the result of my choices and the choices of others around me... no matter which way... Each path leads to goodness. It is ALL good. :-)

Thank you, Papa!

Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot

I miss Corot.

I fell in love with Jean when I was in college. Somewhere between 18 and 23 I met him on a cold rainy day. He was mysterious and brooding with a touch of whimsical and I was delighted by him. It amazed me how he could touch the darkest depths and brightest heights of my imagination with just one glance. He made me laugh, cry, sigh, wonder, dream, dally, determine, focus... He made me feel alive! And the creativity endlessly bloomed from my chest out the tips of my fingers...

When I was around Jean Corot, I could stay up all night looking through his eyes. I didn't like everything he said. In fact, there's a good chunk of his thoughts and impressions that I cared nothing about. Sometimes he talked about his life in the country or people he knew and I was transfixed, but othertimes he droned on in drab tones and blockish renderings that I could scarcely let him continue. Next subject please!

He usually could win me when he talked of trees. No one has ever talked about trees quite like Jean did, except perhaps J.R.R. Tolkien, but that's another verbal obeisance altogether.

I loved the way Jean would talk about trees.

He described the leaves with the utmost respect...the way the sun would shine through them in midday making them bright with color and glowing...in solemn shade...in the wispy ethereal dew of morning. He made the willow sound mostly optimistic as she attempted to stretch her hands into the sky and depicted the poplars as whispering socialites at a ball. I could almost hear their hushed voices.

The first time I really, REALLY saw Jean Corot, in person that is, was in Chicago. It was somewhere around my 4th year (the 2nd Junior year, that is). I remember not expecting to see him there. I was surrounded by all these well-known visionaries and he is so often overlooked. I turned a corner and saw him at the end of the room. I knew instantly it was him. The darkness, the light. All intermingled in a myriad of emotions, thoughts, and expressions on his face. For a moment, I could not breathe. I truly could not.

You know that feeling, I suppose. When you see someone you did not expect to see. Your true feelings come out, you know. If you expect to see them, you have time to think...time to prepare and line up all your thoughts and emotions. But when you're not expecting it...it can hit you like a gale and leave you breathless. You know in that moment not what your soul feels about that person, but how your heart truly feels.

I approached slowly. My eyes wide with surprise and delight, tears forming in the corners. I stood in front of him. It surprised me to feel warm tears, lilting slowly and sweetly over my cheeks. I just couldn't believe it was really HIM. The man who had so captured and spoke my heart over those short years. He had captured it to utter perfection...an exact likeness. And I was forever greatful.

I thought of all the times when he had known me, shown me myself. Gently and without even a hint of invasiveness...like tiny mirrors, reflecting a tiny piece here and there.

I wanted to reach out and touch him but there were guards positioned by the doorway and I know that it could also be his ruin. I rocked back on my heels and drank him in. Tears brimming, heart thankful. A tiny mirror.

Roller - written in 2008

I remember being so small that when I was strapped into rollercoasters as a child, I was never quite sure they would hold me in. I remember one particular time I rode one of those rides that is one giant circle. You climb into this metal bench, and a bar is clamped down over your lap. That's it. Nothing else. Then you climb into the air, looping upside down and doing a perpetual hamster wheel run. Sometimes, they pause you right at the top, so you are pretty much dangling...by that metal bar. That one time I was 6...a scrawny, lanky kid with limp, white blond hair that lay flat and soft on my bean shaped head. I was all limb and bone with no cares in the world. Until this day. The bar didn't even come down to my waist because I was riding with my cousin who was bigger than me.

It's amazing how I can remember being so small.

When we got to the top and every unhaltered loop, my hips would slam against that bar leaving a gaping current of air between my butt and the seat. I would feel my body sliding out of the seat, losing connection with the ride I was on and reaching to fall into air. And then we would careen down with gravity and I would slam back down onto the seat.

I thought I was going to die. But I didn't.

I didn't die.