Abundance....and Moonlight.

The moon awoke me this morning,
Peering into my rocky sleep,
Tucked in between dreams.
It was bright.
It was good.
It was beautiful.
It was God.
It was holy.

I don't remember much about the dream, but there was some kind of creature that if we looked into their eyes, could see the future of our fertility. One woman looked into the eyes of the creature and saw her baby die. I looked into the eyes of my creature and saw myself giving birth, it looked painful but before I could see what happened, I looked away and told the creature that I did not want to know. I think I was convinced, even without seeing the outcome, that the baby died. The interesting thing is that there was reason for me to be convinced of my baby's death. No vision, no prophesy, no truth. It was my fear. My own fear convinced me that the baby would die.

Hmmmm.

Interesting dream. I don't really remember much about the dream and what I do is hazy...I do remember being TERRIFIED. And I awoke terrified. To the light of the holy moon. The moon that God created. And the fear slowly drained from me in the light of God's constancy. Perfect love drives out fear. PERFECT love DRIVES out FEAR!

Later, I was talking to Janelle, my darling sister, of my fears that Godly men do not see me, only evil men. I told her that most of the time I rest and REVEL in God's beauty and the joy of claiming it... but that I am still, through all of my scars, wrestling through a way to believe that a MAN OF GOD, WITH GOD'S HEART AND EYES, will see me? WHAT IS WRONG with that picture?

Janelle said something along the lines of: Hmmmm. Don't you feel kind of like a hypocrite, half of your life claiming God's beauty and showing other young girls to do the same? How can you say you believe in the beauty that God has instilled in you and feel value...but then lack the faith that God could bring you a man who could also recognize and value these things? A man who has eyes like God?

I responded that those exact thoughts have been pounding in my heart for several weeks as God is bringing several issues in my past to a boiling point...exposing the bruised and not completely healed areas... refining. With fire. It was easier to believe that a wonderful man would come RIGHT after my beauty revelation at 19. But since 19, my heart has been wounded (accidentally or not) by two Christian men, and attacked by other men who did not have access to my heart, but sliced through my outward protection and pierced it quite effectively. And it seems that some of the great progress God had made with my heart was corrupted once again.

I told her sometimes I felt like the outer me has been used up...and that men see the outer... That the inner is being blessed and tended to by God but that no one can see it. Or at least they only appreciate it like one appreciates a flower. A plant that dies in their care after a few days.

PITY PARTY. (and an OUTRIGHT LIE-fest... Don't I know it!)

Janelle unknowingly reflected my Obedience/Abundance post when she said: "God wants to offer you redemption NOT just salvation. He doesn't want to just save you he wants to REDEEM you and bless you. Make you whole."

Then she quoted part of my entry to me, or should I say...SCRIPTURE:
"I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten."

Um HALLELU YA!

The thing is... I recognize these lies AS lies... but even recognizing something is not the same thing as REBUKING it, turning it away, and CLAIMING TRUTH!

I'm so far from perfect.

But God loves me. He has made me beautiful. I may have been hurt by others and myself, but God RESTORES and REDEEMS...even those things that have been devoured.

And I know he is preparing the heart of a man I already love. I don't know who he is... but I have been praying for him since I was a little girl. Storing my hopes for him and for our life together, praying for God's blessing to be over his life.

And you know- if God doesn't want a man for me, I trust him to change my heart.

Pray for me! God is leading me through my darkest valley yet... and the reason why it is the darkest is because I have walked through it before. It is the valley where the roots of my fears and my insecurities soak up the earth. It is a valley years behind me, yet stretched out before me.

For some of this, it may come as a shock to you. You view me as confident and rejoicing. And I am and do for the promises I HAVE CLAIMED.

BUT...

There still are promises I have yet to claim! Abundance and life that God has for me that I have been fearful to reach for! Pray for strength from God, WISDOM, and trust! That these good things God has for me, these orchards filled with sweet fruit, ARE REAL and PROMISED to me... (and I am NOT talking about a man, I am talking about REDEMPTION. RESTORATION. FREEDOM!

It is night.

And the holy moon is shining through my window.

I am filled with joy.