JOB 36:16

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. "

I am in Christ, He is in me.

In looking for identity in men, I lose sight of my identity in Christ. My gaze is not firmly set on Him. The word of the Lord says I am IN Christ and that he is within me. I am within Christ and therefore, I am secure. My heart is encased in his. He in me and around me. He perpetually flows till he surrounds... surrounding from the inside-out; covering every surface of my being.

With that in mind, I have been given new garments and new armor. I am a new creation IN Christ. I am clothed in strength and dignity, with robes of righteousness, with purity. I am clothed IN Christ. I have taken off the old and put on the new. I am ready for my wedding. I am a bride of Christ! And over these beautiful garments is an armor that is strong and sure.

This new armor of God is also MADE of God. The breastplate of righteousness- HIS righteousness. The helmet of Salvation- HIS salvation. (The knowledge of his sovereignty, the confidence of his hand around me, the validation of his part in every aspect of this armor.) The sword of truth- the very tongue and mouth of God. The list goes on. If this armor is MADE of God then I am clothed in Christ...I am armed with Christ. I put on Christ. Therefore,since I am in Christ, I don’t need to “put on” that armor every day…it is ON! All I need to do is look down and remember it is on, remind myself I wear Christ! He is my skin, he is the body in which I reside.

So I recount every unique part in praise and thanksgiving to my King. This praise and thanksgiving flows through this armor, drawing me closer to it. This allows a freedom. I can sit STILL in this armor… waiting and still…and in this quiet, secret place, I am INVISIBLE to the enemy. He can not touch me if he can not find me! And out of this stillness comes rest.

I am His, and he is mine. He is in me and I am in him. Out of rest, I can truly abide; BE with the Lord. In all circumstances, he is my all. He is my all, because he longs to and IS permeating every millimeter of my existence. Inside-out. Surrounding me on ALL sides—including the inside. And SO, I can boldly BE. I can BE, because he has wrapped himself in and around me, and my identity is securely protected by Him. We must be identified together now. For no one will or should be able to look at me and not see Him. He is my face. He is my armor.

The anticipation of my life is that the covering of his heart over mine will one day be grafted to my own heart. That I will have his heart. That HIS armor, will one day be grafted to my body, so that I will be like him and carry his likeness boldly on this earth.

Identity- Seeing Ourselves the Way He Does

12I love to watch people.

I used to accredit myself as an unofficial sociologist...finding myself fascinated with the way people interact, move, talk...etc. In recent years, however, I haven't been looking. In fact, I've been doing everything NOT to look. Somehow I have gotten it into my head that if I am not looking at them, then they won't be looking at me. It's an interesting way to isolate...and completely ludicrous. I see that now. (It's amazing how little you see of your odd behaviors when you are seeking to be unaware.)

It reminds me of a friend of mine. When he was a little boy he would play peek-a-boo with his parents. He would close his eyes, covering them doubly with his chubby little fingers. The suspense would build in those moments before the "great reveal." They would say "Peek-A-Boo" but he would remain shut off...eyes closed...hands in place. He would brightly chime, "You can't see me!"

This strikes something deep in me...even to recount this funny anecdote. This past year, God has been caring for my heart so tenderly. He has blessed me and done amazing miracles of healing over old wounds. He revealed to me how I had certain habits and behaviors that were unhealthy. The most encouraging part was that they weren't really me. It had felt like the genuine article, because I had been using them to protect me and to shield me for years. It was familiar. Those aspects of me may have been how I was choosing to live, but the most freeing moment came when God revealed that I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT. I could choose freedom by just looking to the face of God. I kept asking myself the questions, "Do I believe that God is who He says He is?" and "Do I believe that I am who God says I am?"

Seeking and BELIEVING God we discover our true identity...we can see ourselves more clearly looking first to Jesus. He knows us much better than we know ourselves.

This year has been a long, hard, amazing, fruitful, wonderful, painful, stretching, rewarding, loving, tiring, abundant year. And I am so thankful. God is re-shaping my identity...he is healing me. Whenever I TRY to speed up the process or DO something, it never works...but when I let go, let go of control, God leads me...and it is true rest, and peace always follows. He is beginning to show me how to live by the spirit and not by my soul (emotions). This particular gift came last Tuesday, December 7th:
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I love to watch people.

At the grocery store, the man behind me plops down a box of "Wheaties" on the conveyor belt next to my bananas. I look him over. Quite handsome. Single. Mid-30s. Well-built. 'Had the 'Wheaties' contributed?' An inward chuckle and chide to self and my eyes are immediately on the man in front of me. A thick European accent drifts from his lips toward a man, who by look and speech, must be his brother. 'Aren't we all so beautiful?' I think happily. Each so uniquely fashioned and designed- each pulsating literally and figuratively with such facets of wonder... I find myself musing over the Brothers and Wheaties-Man... What their lives are like...families...jobs... We are all so beautiful.

As I walk to my car, a wonderful feeling rises up out of me. 'I'm awesome!' I elate. 'I really am! I'm beautiful. I'm talented. I'm intelligent. I'm witty. I'm fun. I'm full of life and adventure and I am a daughter of the King! Jesus, JESUS LOVES ME! Life is actually good! It's not hopeless...I'm going to be okay. God loves me!'

This is true joy! To celebrate myself the way my Father does...in honesty- no shred of conceit or bragging ambition...acceptance of the reality and truth of WHO I AM...who God has made me into...who he continues to fashion after Himself.

This is identity.

This is true esteem. Not the self-esteem so strived for...No. This is a holy unified esteem. One that expressly praises the Creator- His flair for individuality and His love of His creation. I am with Him but I am me. He is in me and I am in Him and we are inseparable. He made me and I am beautiful, but NOW He is IN me and WITH me. I shine with Him. His residue is thick, his stain glorious. I can't be near him and it not rub off on me. I take after Him.

I take after Him!

I take after my beautiful, holy, glorious, perfect, wonderful, Father!

I will never feel ugly again. If I should...if I WOULD... I would blatantly be choosing to embrace a lie. I am not insufficient...I am not unworthy...I am not ugly or unlovable or a failure. I did not, could not, will not mess up the plans and abundance God has for my life.

In Christ I am everything, for HE is everything and I am in Him.

Morose Joy?

I don't know how you can have gloom and joy at the same time....but I've experienced an interesting cocktail of the two today.

Maybe morose or gloomy aren't fitting. Maybe they are too fatal, too hopeless.

And let's be true here...there is always hope.

Yesterday morning I awoke from this amazing dream. In this dream I was spending the day with one of my friends. It was a bright dream- full of God's love, grace, and peace. This followed a rough night, so I half-expected my dreams to be fraught with anxiety and peril.

No. God was showing me grace abundantly. Grace and promise. Two things I didn't/don't/have never deserved. Yes he showered me in them.

Shortly after I awoke, other thoughts crowded in...a deep sadness overtook me. I've rarely felt the heaviness of this particular feeling. I didn't even want to get up. (not from fatigue but from hopelessness) I WAS LISTENING TO THE ENEMY...agreeing with his awful thoughts, letting HIM tell me that I was not good enough....WHY TRY? It's hopeless! Hide! Run! MOVE AWAY! Change everything around you...to protect what you're too scared to change in yourself.

WOAH! That last one was new revelation. Just now.

This went on all day. Everytime I would pray, I would see a picture of Jesus' outstretched hands. I could see the nail piercings, the blood flowed continuously and wet...but it was not gory. There was a beauty and richness to this scene. He was offering me his grace...but I felt undeserving. So I looked longingly at it and took it in small doses.

I played worship at youth group and through God's Grace- he led me through this mess to His presence! I could actually FEEL myself going from this despairing, lethargic place...through a door...into the presence of God...into worship....

About an hour after worship though, I was bombarded with vicious lies from Satan. I felt unsafe, alone, afraid...and so tired of fighting the enemy. I wanted to connect with friends but was unable. The enemy had built me a beautiful wall of enchanted glass. One I could hide behind and see others, but they couldn't quite see me. I was safe. I was misunderstood. I was alone.

When I realized I had been misled by the enemy, I pounded my fists angrily against the glass... but anger didn't solve anything....just cut gashes into my fists and bruises into my arms.

At the end of it...I lay in a heap of hurt...not completely sure how I got there.

Today..., the struggle continued....but I stopped listening to Satan...and started replacing his lies with truth. I kept repeating the truth....kept soaking in it... until I was saturated.

God is being very loving today. I am still inexplicably sad...a strange sorrow has tainted everything. It's almost as if I have been soaking in peroxide (truth) and even though it is extricating all of the germs and darkness, IT BURNS!

I can not recall ever having such a shadow over me...so I don't know what to think. Something has been struck...something buried deep. So even though there is this sadness...I also feel a little excited and full of hope...

One of the verses I have been meditating on is:

2 Corinthians 12:9+10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God's grace will sustain me...it is enough. All by itself...it is enough. His power will blend with my weakness. I will be molded into his perfection....reinforced. SO I can rejoice and have joy even when everything is confusing, even when I am frustrated, even when I don't know what's going on, even when I am weary, even when I feel beat-up... because I know that by God's grace, he will supply me his power to strengthen and carry me.

And I know he's got it all figured out...and eventually he will clue me in.

God's grace will wrap around these wounds...like fluffy gauze. His power will flow through me like a mighty wind...oxygen to my pain...

And I will be well...

In the Morning When I Rise....Give me Jesus.

It is one of my favorite things in the WORLD right now, to wake up and feel Jesus with me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes Jesus picks out my clothes. Sometimes he wakes me up. He almost always says something really sweet to me. (Let's be honest- he probably always does, but I don't always hear him) I have felt this feeling on and off in my life, but these past months, I have never felt it stronger. It is awesome.

I used to sing that song- "In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus" and I sometimes wake up with that running through my head... but often, two verses stream through my mind like a stockmarket ticker. It usually comes out in a short phrase: "When I awake, still I am with you." and "Surround us in the morning with your unfailing love." Another one occasionally making it's way in is "His Joy comes with the morning."

My favorite ones aren't even verses- they are just little reassurances. "I am here." "You are beautiful." "I love you."

This morning for example, God woke me up. I had somehow turned off my alarm and set it at the wrong time. But I woke up at JUST the right time. With no alarm. Thank you Lord!!!

Today I felt a message. Calm, steady and peaceful.

"Stop overthinking, Melissa. Follow the heart I gave you. I gave you your life- why won't you live it? I have orchards of sweet fruit for you to taste. Will you try some?"

Somehow I have always tried to turn the grapes into wine without even tasting if they were ripe. I always end up with crushed, bruised fruit...and purple feet. So ripen up that fruit, Lord... cause I will want some!

Insecurity Rock Bottom.

I'm there, Lord.

I've had enough.

I'm sick and tired of letting insecurity win. I'm disgusted with how it cheats me, how it shames me, how it causes me to doubt myself, how it steals my dignity, how it causes me to hide. How it heaps regrets on my heart.

I'm exhausted from trying to hide. I'm weary of second guessing EVERY thing I do in certain situations with certain people.

Insecurity is deceitful. Sometimes it doesn't permeate every area of your life. Sometimes it only shows up in a few situations, a few relationships...

I've been asking myself- Why these relationships? Why these situations?

Someone said something that kind of hit me- the relationships that have the potential for the most impact, or the relationships where God really has a purpose- there is sometimes the most fear. My insecurity is triggered by those situations.

I keep hearing God tell me to relax. TO just be. And part of me is waiting for these people to get as fed up as I am...to stop wanting to get to know me. I EXPECT them to give up...to reject me, and because I do not feel certain of their intentions, I do not relax. Somewhere I'm trying to figure out what they want from me. It is too impossible to think that they simply want to get to know me.

Self-sabotage.

Lord, break this spirit of self-sabotage, this spirit of fear, this self-protection, this UNBELIEF in YOUR SECURITY.

I'm reminded of a song we sing at church. Because the truth is- this all comes down to Him and I. It all comes down to how intimately he wants me as his own. When I wake up, I hear him singing. I hear him say, "When you rise in the morning, still I am with you." When I go to sleep, he yearns to take my analyzing, and my self-criticism. He wants me out of myself and in Him. Insecurity is buried in SELF. And that is one of the core sins of insecurity.

You get to the point where you DO feel so wounded, so bruised, so used, so DONE- and then there's you. And why are you alone now? All your thoughts start pointing inward until you have built a nest of infesting thoughts of self. You are the dichotomy of self-exaltation and self-deprication.

And our Father wants us to be free. He WANTS US TO BE FREE!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face! And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his GLORY and GRACE!

You won't relent until you have it all! My heart is yours!
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart...as a seal upon my arm...
For there is love that is as STRONG AS DEATH...
Jealousy demanding as the grave!
And many waters cannot quench this love!

Come be the fire inside of me!
Come be the flame upon my heart!
Come be the fire inside of me!
Until you and I are ONE!

UNTIL YOU AND I ARE ONE!

Lord, Change my heart. Take my heart. Let it be yours. Mold it and shift it and change it to yours! I give you my heart. I give you my issues. I give you my stuff. Take it Lord.

What is Insecurity?

I've learned a valuable lesson in the last couple weeks. Insecurity masks itself in several forms. I know this, because only a few months ago, I would refute that I had an issue with insecurity. I've started reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and as always when reading her work, I feel an affinity. She puts my own insecurity into eloquence with these words:

"Keep an open mind to what an insecure woman looks like, and don't be too hasty to let yourself off the hook just because one dimension of the portrait doesn't look like you. The fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it."

Wow.

She brought to light several forms of insecurity including a concern for how others view and interact with us. For example, "Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong? ...a strong desire to make amends even when I HAVEN'T done something wrong?"

Wow.

This happened just last week. There was a mess of gossip among my circle of friends and in my church, and I had this
need to investigate the root of this gossip- to be a little detective, a curious little kitten. My goal, was to discover the root of this gossip and dig it up. I had a talk with a very good friend who asked me if I needed to talk this out for my sake or for his.

Wow. That got me.

It was for me! It was for my own insecurity. I had to suss it all out... I had to tie all the loose strings back together. It would make me feel better if all the parties involved would stop talking about me or get it right.

Security would look different.

A lot different.

Security would say, "Well, they think XYZ about me and maybe they only have Y right, but oh well. God, I give this to you. Thank you for being my shield. Thank you for being my face...and for keeping it. I'm going to rest in knowing EXACTLY who I am... in you..."

Yep...that's what she would look like.

God is revealing my security in him...and it is interesting so far. Last week he prompted me to FINALLY join the gym at my work. Last week, my tight jeans were hanging off of me. Last week, emotions I didn't think I was ready to address, surfaced. Last week I bought a new shirt. This week I bought "So Long, Insecurity" and this week God broke several chains regarding my heart tied to the wounds people had inflicted in me. God removed swords, spears, and arrows from me.

I've never felt more secure amidst uncertainty.

The whole husband thing... it's coming sooner than I am "ready" for... but God's got it.

The whole missions thing...it's really going to happen...sometime in my future...it's not just a speculation now...God has PLANTED those desires DEEP within me... but God's got it.

The whole being loved, being hurt thing... God's got it.

The whole losing weight, being seen thing... God's got it.

God's telling me...as gently and as firmly as he does- "I've got it Melissa. I've got it. REST in my arms. REST in my security! I've got it. I've got it."