Launch Out! Launch Out into the Deep!!!

So I recently lost my job.  A job I had loved and had given me freedom in so many ways.  I knew our company was experiencing some financial setbacks so when one of my best friends and CEO of the company texted me to tell me that he and the owner of the company had to talk to me and that it "was not good" I knew I had lost my job.

In one way, it was so good to get that text because I cried all day in preparation for this meeting.  Prayed and pleaded with God.  I have been in desolate places before.  I have been in poverty.  I have seen my credit drop to a dismal rate before as I struggled to make ends meet.  So I did not want to go back there again.  But even as the enemy bombarded me with his ridiculous lies, one strong, defiant, and resounding truth pounded into my heart:

"I have always taken care of you.  I will never stop.  When have I not provided for you?"

I know.  I know, Jesus.  It's true.

Tonight I was thinking about how God knows EXACTLY what is going on.  He is not surprised when things like this happen.  And even when the enemy attacks, God is right there DOING something on my behalf.  Jesus is right there, INTERCEDING to the Father.  For me.  For me!

I've also been thinking that this is a superb time to take some risks.  Have an adventure!  My life is a blank canvas.  God can do ANYTHING!  If he opens doors for me to move- I could move somewhere! Do anything! My parents have always encouraged us to go for our dreams and to follow God with ABANDON!  We grew up pretty poor with my dad following his heart and God's voice into full time ministry INTO THE FARMLANDS!  (I'll just let you know that often doesn't pay a lot.) For the majority of my life, my dad has made less than $100/wk with my mom making the majority of my family's income.  They have sacrificed their time, money, and energy on their kids and on the path that rose up before them.  But...We have ALWAYS been provided for.  Oftentimes in the craziest of ways.  So my faith level for provision is pretty high. (Although it is NOT always easy to stay in that place)

Anyway- I was talking with a friend about this at length and as we spoke God revealed a lot to me and as I shared with my friend, the words released boomeranged back to bless me as well!  It was amazing! So these are some of the words God released to both of us:

"Fear is not of God. Resist the devil and he WILL flee from you! He is waiting around, wanting to devour you with his lies. It may not be a specific place you have in mind, but there is a plan for you.

Cast your net out! We could apply to positions and jobs all over the world in places we are drawn to and have felt passionate about. I have some top places that I am casting my net out into and seeing what will happen.  I'm just going for it and seeing what opens up to me.

I think you have to cast your line or your net before you can expect to catch any fish.  Sometimes this is a bigger step of faith than just hoping God will come deliver fish to your doorstep! If you're just sitting on a boat not trying anything, SURE you are safe from risk but you also have nothing to eat for dinner that night.

You have to launch out into the deep.

With God it is always further up and further in.

God is creating an opportunity for you to trust him and he wants to take you on an adventure because he knows that is something your heart truly craves.

But you can not hold onto doubts and anxiety and tether your boat to dry land in fear of uncharted waters.  You have to LAUNCH OUT and trust the one in the boat with you.

Trust that no matter what storm could possibly rise up, it would be no big deal to him.  It wouldn't be anything he couldn't handle. He would sit up from his nap and say, "Dearest- what on earth are you worried about? I'm still with you in this boat, aren't I?"

Nothing is too big or impossible or daunting or scary for God.

He has promised that the fire will not burn you and the waves will not pass over your head.  He has promised himself to you, dear one.  You can trust that he is a steady and experienced captain.

Tell Jesus your needs, wants, desires. Tell Jesus and pursue his heart.  He will take care of the details.  Cast your net out in faith and watch Jesus fill your net with fish.  They were afraid to listen to Jesus because they were afraid they wouldn't catch any fish but when they did listen, their boat was weighed down from the ABUNDANCE!

The Lord had provided.  He had brought the promise.

You have to understand that the Lord doesn't just want to keep you out of the poor house and provide for you.  He wants ABUNDANCE for you.

Overflow.

Sweet Tally

We passed Talitha's birthday recently.  The day she was stillborn.  I'm just the aunt, you know.  But I miss her.  I've never been more excited about a baby being born in my life and I often wonder if I ever will be like that again. Not even my dear Sophia, my little Lela, my lovely Havalah.  I eagerly awaited their arrivals and celebrated their births, but no one was like Talitha.

The anticipation was palpable.  I had marked on my calendar the days Bill and Katie would be seeing the doctor,  I had marked what days would represent a new milestone in her gestation.  I counted each week she was alive as a new birthday and would call my sister to say, "Happy 5 weeks!"  I read articles as she grew. I had papered the walls of my cubicle with her ultrasounds.  I had printed out e-mails that contained information regarding her. I bought her a baby book, and clothes and presents!  I was ready for her to come.

When we made it past the 2nd trimester, the thought of a miscarriage went with it.  I thought we were in the clear.  Home stretch. I was devastated when I got the call that they could not hear the heartbeat. Not possible.

I fought for Tally.  I prayed for her, begged the Lord for her life.  Believed in her healing.

She was healed.  But I would have preferred it done my way.  Of course.

Disappointment does NOT cover what we went through.  Disappointment does NOT cover it.  Sadness, no.  Something very important in MY heart was taken when Talitha died.  Alot of what she was made of...Hope. A very thick sweetness died.  The sweet and innocence of first hope.  FIRST.

But Talitha lived.  She lived...she loved...she grew...she dances now.  She sings.  She plays.  She loves.
It's never NOT been constant for her.  I don't believe she was in pain when she died.  Her death sounds gruesome.  Asphyxiation and detachment from the uterine wall.  Sounds violent.  But I know she didn't feel it.  I know she was not in pain.  I am certain.

I believe for Tally, it was as effortless as floating a boat under a bridge.  Dark for a moment ...then back out again.

She's only known love.

What has also been interesting to process is Lela.  This little nugget of jubilation and delight.  I remember when God gave me the passage in Isaiah for Katie and Bill.  He told me that he would restore what had been taken from them and give them double portion.  Recompense.  A double portion restitution for that which has been taken.  Lela was the recompense.  She was.  I don't say that to Bill and Katie...I don't talk about a lot of my feelings about it because I don't want to make them sad....or upset in any way.

But the truth is, if Talitha had lived, Lela would not exist.  Fact.  There is no scenario where two little girls would have been running around playing together.  Lela was sent as recompense.  Out of the goodness and justice of God's heart because of what had been STOLEN.

It is not God's will that Talitha got sick...or died.  But in God's mercy and love, he works everything for our good.  In his mercy, he took Talitha and healed her and gave her life.  And in his mercy, he sent a double portion of joy, beauty, life, love....Lela Jubilee.  I believe that.  It is certainly not fair, but it is good.

I wish Talitha had lived, but I am glad that now- they both get to live. Just in separate houses for a while.  Talitha will spend a little of that time without us, but for the most part- we will all be together most of the time.  We will all live.

Its hard to be too sad when I know that is better.  Is that wrong that I see it that way? Not better that we have experienced the shades of death and grief but that Talitha got to bypass the crap parts of life and get right to the good stuff?  Better that we have Lela AS WELL as Talitha.  Instead of just one?

I don't know...

Just processing I suppose.