So...I have a chronic disease. SELF-SABOTAGE. I don't know how one recovers from this disease. I only know that there is something in me that refuses to allow myself to be happy.
With that said...there are a few things I can't stand:
-When someone has decided who they think I am when they have not really seen who I am
-When someone does not appreciate me for who I am.
You know- I am a good catch. I know I am.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Unresolved Issues with God
I'm re-reading "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.
This allegory is more like my own personal journal. Honestly, IT'S MY LIFE.
There are two things that have been "hitting" me lately.
1. There is a point where Much Afraid (that's her name, and again, fitting) gets where she has followed the Shepherd toward the promises he has made her and it just doesn't seem to be working out. Every time she thinks they are going towards the promises, they have to take another detour or go a different way that takes them longer. At one point she thinks about going back. She feels deceived by the Shepherd and wants to go back to the way that things used to be. Go back to her old life. Maybe it was hard, maybe she was trapped...but at least she knew what to expect. She entertains that thought for a while and when she begins to REALLY think of leaving the Shepherd, she feels like she is looking into a deep abyss of hopelessness. It is at THAT moment when she cries out to the Shepherd to come to her. She clings to him saying, "If you could deceive me, my Lord, about the promise and the hinds' feet and the new name or anything else, you may, indeed you may; only don't let me leave you. Don't let anything turn me back..."
Good for you, Much Afraid. Good for you.
Right now, I would LOVE to be able to say that. The truth is, I do NOT trust God like Much Afraid is learning in this section. I do not. The point is not that God could deceive her, because he can't. The point is that she is saying, "Even if you could, you may....because I trust you and YOU are the most important thing...not the promises you've given me." Wow. Hurrah, Much Afraid. I applaud you because I am NOT there yet.
I WANT to be like Much Afraid. Right now, I feel like God could deceive me, and I am not okay with that. So I've got some control issues and some trust issues. Big surprise.
2. Throughout her journey, there have been several places where the Shepherd has asked Much Afraid to make an altar and sacrifice parts of her old self (the process of dying to self). Towards the end of the journey to the High Places, she has to make one final sacrifice. On this altar she must put two things: all the promises the Shepherd has made her and her desire for human love.
I feel like God is asking me to put those same things down on the altar, and I find I am not able. I WANT TO, but I don't know how.
So...this post is not really a post to inspire. And it's not well written, but who cares. No one reads my stupid blog anyway. I just need to vent. I'm basically really exhausted right now...and hurt...and frustrated.
Trust. Patience. Waiting. Giving up Control. Resting in God. Relaxing. Give Grace. Give it time. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. Seek My Face...Look to ME...Undivided Focus, Undivided Heart.
Why does it seem like all of the things God is telling me right now, I am unable to do?
Jesus, Give me mercy. Shower me with your grace. Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. I am at the end of this rope, and I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to quit everything and everyone and start over. I'm not afraid anymore and I thank you for that. But now I am just angry. And there is this boiling rage in me...this hatred that I don't know what to do with. Help me to forgive. Help me to love and to see others with your eyes and your heart. Create a new heart in me, Lord. Help me to seek your face. I'm empty God. I am gutted out and empty. And I am angry. HELP ME, PLEASE.
This allegory is more like my own personal journal. Honestly, IT'S MY LIFE.
There are two things that have been "hitting" me lately.
1. There is a point where Much Afraid (that's her name, and again, fitting) gets where she has followed the Shepherd toward the promises he has made her and it just doesn't seem to be working out. Every time she thinks they are going towards the promises, they have to take another detour or go a different way that takes them longer. At one point she thinks about going back. She feels deceived by the Shepherd and wants to go back to the way that things used to be. Go back to her old life. Maybe it was hard, maybe she was trapped...but at least she knew what to expect. She entertains that thought for a while and when she begins to REALLY think of leaving the Shepherd, she feels like she is looking into a deep abyss of hopelessness. It is at THAT moment when she cries out to the Shepherd to come to her. She clings to him saying, "If you could deceive me, my Lord, about the promise and the hinds' feet and the new name or anything else, you may, indeed you may; only don't let me leave you. Don't let anything turn me back..."
Good for you, Much Afraid. Good for you.
Right now, I would LOVE to be able to say that. The truth is, I do NOT trust God like Much Afraid is learning in this section. I do not. The point is not that God could deceive her, because he can't. The point is that she is saying, "Even if you could, you may....because I trust you and YOU are the most important thing...not the promises you've given me." Wow. Hurrah, Much Afraid. I applaud you because I am NOT there yet.
I WANT to be like Much Afraid. Right now, I feel like God could deceive me, and I am not okay with that. So I've got some control issues and some trust issues. Big surprise.
2. Throughout her journey, there have been several places where the Shepherd has asked Much Afraid to make an altar and sacrifice parts of her old self (the process of dying to self). Towards the end of the journey to the High Places, she has to make one final sacrifice. On this altar she must put two things: all the promises the Shepherd has made her and her desire for human love.
I feel like God is asking me to put those same things down on the altar, and I find I am not able. I WANT TO, but I don't know how.
So...this post is not really a post to inspire. And it's not well written, but who cares. No one reads my stupid blog anyway. I just need to vent. I'm basically really exhausted right now...and hurt...and frustrated.
Trust. Patience. Waiting. Giving up Control. Resting in God. Relaxing. Give Grace. Give it time. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. Seek My Face...Look to ME...Undivided Focus, Undivided Heart.
Why does it seem like all of the things God is telling me right now, I am unable to do?
Jesus, Give me mercy. Shower me with your grace. Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. I am at the end of this rope, and I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to quit everything and everyone and start over. I'm not afraid anymore and I thank you for that. But now I am just angry. And there is this boiling rage in me...this hatred that I don't know what to do with. Help me to forgive. Help me to love and to see others with your eyes and your heart. Create a new heart in me, Lord. Help me to seek your face. I'm empty God. I am gutted out and empty. And I am angry. HELP ME, PLEASE.
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