Insecurity Rock Bottom.

I'm there, Lord.

I've had enough.

I'm sick and tired of letting insecurity win. I'm disgusted with how it cheats me, how it shames me, how it causes me to doubt myself, how it steals my dignity, how it causes me to hide. How it heaps regrets on my heart.

I'm exhausted from trying to hide. I'm weary of second guessing EVERY thing I do in certain situations with certain people.

Insecurity is deceitful. Sometimes it doesn't permeate every area of your life. Sometimes it only shows up in a few situations, a few relationships...

I've been asking myself- Why these relationships? Why these situations?

Someone said something that kind of hit me- the relationships that have the potential for the most impact, or the relationships where God really has a purpose- there is sometimes the most fear. My insecurity is triggered by those situations.

I keep hearing God tell me to relax. TO just be. And part of me is waiting for these people to get as fed up as I am...to stop wanting to get to know me. I EXPECT them to give up...to reject me, and because I do not feel certain of their intentions, I do not relax. Somewhere I'm trying to figure out what they want from me. It is too impossible to think that they simply want to get to know me.

Self-sabotage.

Lord, break this spirit of self-sabotage, this spirit of fear, this self-protection, this UNBELIEF in YOUR SECURITY.

I'm reminded of a song we sing at church. Because the truth is- this all comes down to Him and I. It all comes down to how intimately he wants me as his own. When I wake up, I hear him singing. I hear him say, "When you rise in the morning, still I am with you." When I go to sleep, he yearns to take my analyzing, and my self-criticism. He wants me out of myself and in Him. Insecurity is buried in SELF. And that is one of the core sins of insecurity.

You get to the point where you DO feel so wounded, so bruised, so used, so DONE- and then there's you. And why are you alone now? All your thoughts start pointing inward until you have built a nest of infesting thoughts of self. You are the dichotomy of self-exaltation and self-deprication.

And our Father wants us to be free. He WANTS US TO BE FREE!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face! And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his GLORY and GRACE!

You won't relent until you have it all! My heart is yours!
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart...as a seal upon my arm...
For there is love that is as STRONG AS DEATH...
Jealousy demanding as the grave!
And many waters cannot quench this love!

Come be the fire inside of me!
Come be the flame upon my heart!
Come be the fire inside of me!
Until you and I are ONE!

UNTIL YOU AND I ARE ONE!

Lord, Change my heart. Take my heart. Let it be yours. Mold it and shift it and change it to yours! I give you my heart. I give you my issues. I give you my stuff. Take it Lord.