Abundance....and Moonlight.

The moon awoke me this morning,
Peering into my rocky sleep,
Tucked in between dreams.
It was bright.
It was good.
It was beautiful.
It was God.
It was holy.

I don't remember much about the dream, but there was some kind of creature that if we looked into their eyes, could see the future of our fertility. One woman looked into the eyes of the creature and saw her baby die. I looked into the eyes of my creature and saw myself giving birth, it looked painful but before I could see what happened, I looked away and told the creature that I did not want to know. I think I was convinced, even without seeing the outcome, that the baby died. The interesting thing is that there was reason for me to be convinced of my baby's death. No vision, no prophesy, no truth. It was my fear. My own fear convinced me that the baby would die.

Hmmmm.

Interesting dream. I don't really remember much about the dream and what I do is hazy...I do remember being TERRIFIED. And I awoke terrified. To the light of the holy moon. The moon that God created. And the fear slowly drained from me in the light of God's constancy. Perfect love drives out fear. PERFECT love DRIVES out FEAR!

Later, I was talking to Janelle, my darling sister, of my fears that Godly men do not see me, only evil men. I told her that most of the time I rest and REVEL in God's beauty and the joy of claiming it... but that I am still, through all of my scars, wrestling through a way to believe that a MAN OF GOD, WITH GOD'S HEART AND EYES, will see me? WHAT IS WRONG with that picture?

Janelle said something along the lines of: Hmmmm. Don't you feel kind of like a hypocrite, half of your life claiming God's beauty and showing other young girls to do the same? How can you say you believe in the beauty that God has instilled in you and feel value...but then lack the faith that God could bring you a man who could also recognize and value these things? A man who has eyes like God?

I responded that those exact thoughts have been pounding in my heart for several weeks as God is bringing several issues in my past to a boiling point...exposing the bruised and not completely healed areas... refining. With fire. It was easier to believe that a wonderful man would come RIGHT after my beauty revelation at 19. But since 19, my heart has been wounded (accidentally or not) by two Christian men, and attacked by other men who did not have access to my heart, but sliced through my outward protection and pierced it quite effectively. And it seems that some of the great progress God had made with my heart was corrupted once again.

I told her sometimes I felt like the outer me has been used up...and that men see the outer... That the inner is being blessed and tended to by God but that no one can see it. Or at least they only appreciate it like one appreciates a flower. A plant that dies in their care after a few days.

PITY PARTY. (and an OUTRIGHT LIE-fest... Don't I know it!)

Janelle unknowingly reflected my Obedience/Abundance post when she said: "God wants to offer you redemption NOT just salvation. He doesn't want to just save you he wants to REDEEM you and bless you. Make you whole."

Then she quoted part of my entry to me, or should I say...SCRIPTURE:
"I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten."

Um HALLELU YA!

The thing is... I recognize these lies AS lies... but even recognizing something is not the same thing as REBUKING it, turning it away, and CLAIMING TRUTH!

I'm so far from perfect.

But God loves me. He has made me beautiful. I may have been hurt by others and myself, but God RESTORES and REDEEMS...even those things that have been devoured.

And I know he is preparing the heart of a man I already love. I don't know who he is... but I have been praying for him since I was a little girl. Storing my hopes for him and for our life together, praying for God's blessing to be over his life.

And you know- if God doesn't want a man for me, I trust him to change my heart.

Pray for me! God is leading me through my darkest valley yet... and the reason why it is the darkest is because I have walked through it before. It is the valley where the roots of my fears and my insecurities soak up the earth. It is a valley years behind me, yet stretched out before me.

For some of this, it may come as a shock to you. You view me as confident and rejoicing. And I am and do for the promises I HAVE CLAIMED.

BUT...

There still are promises I have yet to claim! Abundance and life that God has for me that I have been fearful to reach for! Pray for strength from God, WISDOM, and trust! That these good things God has for me, these orchards filled with sweet fruit, ARE REAL and PROMISED to me... (and I am NOT talking about a man, I am talking about REDEMPTION. RESTORATION. FREEDOM!

It is night.

And the holy moon is shining through my window.

I am filled with joy.

Obedience and Abundance

Joel 2:12-32

Isn’t it interesting how your life with Christ is a journey? All of those parables about races, and paths…they all seem to make perfect sense the more you walk with Christ. I can honestly look back on my life and see different points…different pit stops and places where God did something new, something old…something to refine me…make me who I am. The very best part is that God is never done, the road stretches out before us, and God is with us every single step. If we seek him, if we reach for his hand…he has promised to guide us…to refine us… and that is awesome.

Now…I’m going to get a little personal.

Six months ago, I was struggling with one of the biggest things I have ever dealt with as a Christian, as a person, as a woman. I had felt the assurance that God saw me as beautiful, unique, his own… I felt beautiful… But I still struggled with the idea that any man would ever be able to see it. I fear to be truly seen. It is a struggle I am still dealing with. It is so easy to hide behind things: my words, my weight…to dull my beauty down. I don’t want to be known for the beauty of my face or my body. I want to be known for the beauty of my heart. For so long I have held onto this…with a fierce stubborn fear… I wanted the right guy to find me…to truly see me… the way God had.

Six months ago, I was seeking God, but his plan was blocked by my focus on another person….of course--- A GUY! This guy and I had been in a relationship- on and off. He couldn’t get past the ugliness- the façade. He couldn’t stand my armor. It repulsed him. I became aware of one of the wounds of my past at around this time. One of the wounds that inspired me to keep this armor on. When I was freshly reminded of this sharp wound, my impulse was to continue to hide.

WHAT A SHAME!

God was prompting me, asking me to listen. And I could not hear. WOULD not hear. He asked me to give up this guy….to walk away. I knew in my HEART that this guy was NOT FOR ME! But I kept seeing who he COULD be, waiting for him to become that man. God said let go. He told me he eventually wanted me to let go of my armor… to let myself be healthy. But I continued to walk my own path… trying to hold on to my armor and this guy while also holding onto God’s hand. As you know- I only have two hands.

Now A LOT has happened in 6 months. I have since let go of one of these things. The guy. It was so hard at the time… at the time it felt impossible. BUT WOW!

I can’t even say how right this was! That step of obedience made me realize how much my focus of this guy had been blocking my focus of God. Before, with guy in tow, I had still sought God, loved God, praised God… but I can now see and admit that he was not my primary focus. He was not my God. I was continuing to sacrifice to God… but without obedience. If you look at my past entry, “My Heart” it lays it out perfectly how it had been going. I still invited God into my home and let him tend my heart, but I divided his time with this guy. A healthy relationship- one built on the foundations GOD has designed for relationships shouldn’t tear you away from your time with God. It should build you up…and prompt you towards Christ more. As iron sharpens iron.

1 Samuel 15:22
“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of the rams.”

On the other side, giving Christ BOTH obedience AND sacrifice… I can FEEL the Lord’s delight! What a difference it has made! I’m starting to see God’s grace, compassion, and love for me in a new way.

I haven’t talked about the armor. In the midst of what God is showing me now, I see that in the distance. I know what’s coming up next. I am thankful that God does walk with us IN STEPS! I am a little scared. I know that the armor “protects me” from my past pains, insecurities, and wounds. I also know that my Jesus sees THROUGH my armor. He is the only one I can not convince. He sees my beauty. He sees who I am. I sometimes feel like Jesus is shaking his head, sadly.

“Why are you putting this on? It will not hide you. I have made you. You are much too vibrant. My love will pour out of every crack. The time is coming to take it off, Melissa. It is a waste of your energy. What could you be doing for me with that energy?”

OH how I long to be free from this armor! But I can sense that there is a LOT of work to be done before the armor comes off. And I am trusting in God’s promises…and relaxing in this sweet spot I’m going through in the meantime!

God recently brought my mind back to Joel. Joel 2:12-32 to be exact. Please read it! I’m just going to put a few verses here. In MY personal journey… it reflects the MANY times in my life where I have tried it my way…walked a separate path from God… but the part he has been showing me recently is the abundance…the PROMISE….

Joel 2:12-14

Rend Your Heart
12 "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

14 Who knows? He may turn and have pity
and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the LORD your God.

THIS IS AWESOME:

Ok….before I give you this next verse, I have to tell you what happened before God lead me back to it. I was very upset the other day…listening to Satan tell me that it didn’t matter how beautiful God had made me and that I felt God’s love. Satan told me no one would EVER see me. That this man who I had given back to God was my last chance. That I was worthless, ugly, vile, NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That the armor would stay on forever…I could not survive without it. That God was done with me. SUCH LIES!!!! Well God kicked Satan in the booty with this:

Joel 2:19- 21
19 The LORD will reply [a] to them:
"I am sending you grain, new wine and oil,
enough to satisfy you fully;
never again will I make you
an object of scorn to the nations.

20 "I will drive the northern army far from you,
pushing it into a parched and barren land,
with its front columns going into the eastern sea [b]
and those in the rear into the western sea. [c]
And its stench will go up;
its smell will rise."
Surely he has done great things. [d]

21 Be not afraid, O land;
be glad and rejoice.
Surely the LORD has done great things.

22 Be not afraid, O wild animals,
for the open pastures are becoming green.
The trees are bearing their fruit;
the fig tree and the vine yield their riches.

23 Be glad, O people of Zion,
rejoice in the LORD your God,
for he has given you
the autumn rains in righteousness. [e]
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm [f]—
my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,
that I am the LORD your God,
and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.

I’m not going to pretend to know all of what this means in my life. But I have a feeling God is going to show me! I read these words and Satan’s lies were wiped from my mind… peace settled.

Do not be discouraged that your life is like a journey! REJOICE in that! No one is perfect. God wants to draw you nearer to him…so you can take part in his holiness… and that takes refining. I will say that ever since I have tried in the littlest of steps to OBEY him, even things that seem small enough that I can handle them on my own- I feel God's delight.

I am SO glad, God is still refining me. And he is refining you too.

"You are the God who sees me..." Pt. 2

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.