Sunday, February 17, 2013

Sweet Tally

We passed Talitha's birthday recently.  The day she was stillborn.  I'm just the aunt, you know.  But I miss her.  I've never been more excited about a baby being born in my life and I often wonder if I ever will be like that again. Not even my dear Sophia, my little Lela, my lovely Havalah.  I eagerly awaited their arrivals and celebrated their births, but no one was like Talitha.

The anticipation was palpable.  I had marked on my calendar the days Bill and Katie would be seeing the doctor,  I had marked what days would represent a new milestone in her gestation.  I counted each week she was alive as a new birthday and would call my sister to say, "Happy 5 weeks!"  I read articles as she grew. I had papered the walls of my cubicle with her ultrasounds.  I had printed out e-mails that contained information regarding her. I bought her a baby book, and clothes and presents!  I was ready for her to come.

When we made it past the 2nd trimester, the thought of a miscarriage went with it.  I thought we were in the clear.  Home stretch. I was devastated when I got the call that they could not hear the heartbeat. Not possible.

I fought for Tally.  I prayed for her, begged the Lord for her life.  Believed in her healing.

She was healed.  But I would have preferred it done my way.  Of course.

Disappointment does NOT cover what we went through.  Disappointment does NOT cover it.  Sadness, no.  Something very important in MY heart was taken when Talitha died.  Alot of what she was made of...Hope. A very thick sweetness died.  The sweet and innocence of first hope.  FIRST.

But Talitha lived.  She lived...she loved...she grew...she dances now.  She sings.  She plays.  She loves.
It's never NOT been constant for her.  I don't believe she was in pain when she died.  Her death sounds gruesome.  Asphyxiation and detachment from the uterine wall.  Sounds violent.  But I know she didn't feel it.  I know she was not in pain.  I am certain.

I believe for Tally, it was as effortless as floating a boat under a bridge.  Dark for a moment ...then back out again.

She's only known love.

What has also been interesting to process is Lela.  This little nugget of jubilation and delight.  I remember when God gave me the passage in Isaiah for Katie and Bill.  He told me that he would restore what had been taken from them and give them double portion.  Recompense.  A double portion restitution for that which has been taken.  Lela was the recompense.  She was.  I don't say that to Bill and Katie...I don't talk about a lot of my feelings about it because I don't want to make them sad....or upset in any way.

But the truth is, if Talitha had lived, Lela would not exist.  Fact.  There is no scenario where two little girls would have been running around playing together.  Lela was sent as recompense.  Out of the goodness and justice of God's heart because of what had been STOLEN.

It is not God's will that Talitha got sick...or died.  But in God's mercy and love, he works everything for our good.  In his mercy, he took Talitha and healed her and gave her life.  And in his mercy, he sent a double portion of joy, beauty, life, love....Lela Jubilee.  I believe that.  It is certainly not fair, but it is good.

I wish Talitha had lived, but I am glad that now- they both get to live. Just in separate houses for a while.  Talitha will spend a little of that time without us, but for the most part- we will all be together most of the time.  We will all live.

Its hard to be too sad when I know that is better.  Is that wrong that I see it that way? Not better that we have experienced the shades of death and grief but that Talitha got to bypass the crap parts of life and get right to the good stuff?  Better that we have Lela AS WELL as Talitha.  Instead of just one?

I don't know...

Just processing I suppose.