Calamity Jane

Changing Lanes... Part 1

2012-01-31T13:28:00.000-08:00

I’m packing up this office…cubicle…this corporate hermitage…and I’m actually kind of sad. There are memories here and two years spent well and constant. This was a place of incubation where God showed me about hope, faith, trust, Sonship, discipline…and really many more things. I'm going to do this in parts. So part 1...

I’m passing through a year and a half of memories and find that many are woven to a man. It all really started with a pear. It sat on my desk for three days making me feel special. I doubt he realized how that small gift had made me feel but it had melted my heart. He excited me and terrified me at the same time. He was the sweetest, most tender heart and yet there were sides to him I didn’t know how to respond to. Looking back, I know now that it was the control that controlled me. I could not predict this one…make sure he was safe…put him in a box. He is to this moment, one of the most unpredictable and brave men I have ever known.

I spent many of those 18 months afraid to show this man my heart…afraid to reflect his own back to him. I was not ready. And that’s just all there is to it.

I can’t think of this man without thinking of how Jesus knit me closer to his own heart through that relationship. It was a hard little union but it was good. God started it and he worked in it and through it and used it for my good. For our good. That I do know. God opened that door and only he can shut it. And until he does, I’m just standing in the doorway, waiting. And I’m completely okay with that. I’ve never been more content and full of joy in my life.

No matter what, I am convinced that there is only good in store. My God is a good, loving, and kind Father. He works all things together for my good.

It's going to be great. No matter which way others may choose in life...I choose my Jesus, my Savior, my Abba, my Jehovah Jireh.

It doesn't matter to me which happy road my Elohim leads me down...the result of my choices and the choices of others around me... no matter which way... Each path leads to goodness. It is ALL good. :-)

Thank you, Papa!

Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot

2012-01-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

I miss Corot.

I fell in love with Jean when I was in college. Somewhere between 18 and 23 I met him on a cold rainy day. He was mysterious and brooding with a touch of whimsical and I was delighted by him. It amazed me how he could touch the darkest depths and brightest heights of my imagination with just one glance. He made me laugh, cry, sigh, wonder, dream, dally, determine, focus... He made me feel alive! And the creativity endlessly bloomed from my chest out the tips of my fingers...

When I was around Jean Corot, I could stay up all night looking through his eyes. I didn't like everything he said. In fact, there's a good chunk of his thoughts and impressions that I cared nothing about. Sometimes he talked about his life in the country or people he knew and I was transfixed, but othertimes he droned on in drab tones and blockish renderings that I could scarcely let him continue. Next subject please!

He usually could win me when he talked of trees. No one has ever talked about trees quite like Jean did, except perhaps J.R.R. Tolkien, but that's another verbal obeisance altogether.

I loved the way Jean would talk about trees.

He described the leaves with the utmost respect...the way the sun would shine through them in midday making them bright with color and glowing...in solemn shade...in the wispy ethereal dew of morning. He made the willow sound mostly optimistic as she attempted to stretch her hands into the sky and depicted the poplars as whispering socialites at a ball. I could almost hear their hushed voices.

The first time I really, REALLY saw Jean Corot, in person that is, was in Chicago. It was somewhere around my 4th year (the 2nd Junior year, that is). I remember not expecting to see him there. I was surrounded by all these well-known visionaries and he is so often overlooked. I turned a corner and saw him at the end of the room. I knew instantly it was him. The darkness, the light. All intermingled in a myriad of emotions, thoughts, and expressions on his face. For a moment, I could not breathe. I truly could not.

You know that feeling, I suppose. When you see someone you did not expect to see. Your true feelings come out, you know. If you expect to see them, you have time to think...time to prepare and line up all your thoughts and emotions. But when you're not expecting it...it can hit you like a gale and leave you breathless. You know in that moment not what your soul feels about that person, but how your heart truly feels.

I approached slowly. My eyes wide with surprise and delight, tears forming in the corners. I stood in front of him. It surprised me to feel warm tears, lilting slowly and sweetly over my cheeks. I just couldn't believe it was really HIM. The man who had so captured and spoke my heart over those short years. He had captured it to utter perfection...an exact likeness. And I was forever greatful.

I thought of all the times when he had known me, shown me myself. Gently and without even a hint of invasiveness...like tiny mirrors, reflecting a tiny piece here and there.

I wanted to reach out and touch him but there were guards positioned by the doorway and I know that it could also be his ruin. I rocked back on my heels and drank him in. Tears brimming, heart thankful. A tiny mirror.

Roller - written in 2008

2012-01-16T15:15:00.001-08:00

I remember being so small that when I was strapped into rollercoasters as a child, I was never quite sure they would hold me in. I remember one particular time I rode one of those rides that is one giant circle. You climb into this metal bench, and a bar is clamped down over your lap. That's it. Nothing else. Then you climb into the air, looping upside down and doing a perpetual hamster wheel run. Sometimes, they pause you right at the top, so you are pretty much dangling...by that metal bar. That one time I was 6...a scrawny, lanky kid with limp, white blond hair that lay flat and soft on my bean shaped head. I was all limb and bone with no cares in the world. Until this day. The bar didn't even come down to my waist because I was riding with my cousin who was bigger than me.

It's amazing how I can remember being so small.

When we got to the top and every unhaltered loop, my hips would slam against that bar leaving a gaping current of air between my butt and the seat. I would feel my body sliding out of the seat, losing connection with the ride I was on and reaching to fall into air. And then we would careen down with gravity and I would slam back down onto the seat.

I thought I was going to die. But I didn't.

I didn't die.

Unresolved Issues with God

2011-05-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm re-reading "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.

This allegory is more like my own personal journal. Honestly, IT'S MY LIFE.

There are two things that have been "hitting" me lately.

1. There is a point where Much Afraid (that's her name, and again, fitting) gets where she has followed the Shepherd toward the promises he has made her and it just doesn't seem to be working out. Every time she thinks they are going towards the promises, they have to take another detour or go a different way that takes them longer. At one point she thinks about going back. She feels deceived by the Shepherd and wants to go back to the way that things used to be. Go back to her old life. Maybe it was hard, maybe she was trapped...but at least she knew what to expect. She entertains that thought for a while and when she begins to REALLY think of leaving the Shepherd, she feels like she is looking into a deep abyss of hopelessness. It is at THAT moment when she cries out to the Shepherd to come to her. She clings to him saying, "If you could deceive me, my Lord, about the promise and the hinds' feet and the new name or anything else, you may, indeed you may; only don't let me leave you. Don't let anything turn me back..."

Good for you, Much Afraid. Good for you.

Right now, I would LOVE to be able to say that. The truth is, I do NOT trust God like Much Afraid is learning in this section. I do not. The point is not that God could deceive her, because he can't. The point is that she is saying, "Even if you could, you may....because I trust you and YOU are the most important thing...not the promises you've given me." Wow. Hurrah, Much Afraid. I applaud you because I am NOT there yet.

I WANT to be like Much Afraid. Right now, I feel like God could deceive me, and I am not okay with that. So I've got some control issues and some trust issues. Big surprise.

2. Throughout her journey, there have been several places where the Shepherd has asked Much Afraid to make an altar and sacrifice parts of her old self (the process of dying to self). Towards the end of the journey to the High Places, she has to make one final sacrifice. On this altar she must put two things: all the promises the Shepherd has made her and her desire for human love.

I feel like God is asking me to put those same things down on the altar, and I find I am not able. I WANT TO, but I don't know how.

So...this post is not really a post to inspire. And it's not well written, but who cares. No one reads my stupid blog anyway. I just need to vent. I'm basically really exhausted right now...and hurt...and frustrated.

Trust. Patience. Waiting. Giving up Control. Resting in God. Relaxing. Give Grace. Give it time. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. Seek My Face...Look to ME...Undivided Focus, Undivided Heart.

Why does it seem like all of the things God is telling me right now, I am unable to do?

Jesus, Give me mercy. Shower me with your grace. Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. I am at the end of this rope, and I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to quit everything and everyone and start over. I'm not afraid anymore and I thank you for that. But now I am just angry. And there is this boiling rage in me...this hatred that I don't know what to do with. Help me to forgive. Help me to love and to see others with your eyes and your heart. Create a new heart in me, Lord. Help me to seek your face. I'm empty God. I am gutted out and empty. And I am angry. HELP ME, PLEASE.

JOB 36:16

2011-02-26T22:22:00.001-08:00

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. "

I am in Christ, He is in me.

2011-01-18T06:40:00.000-08:00

In looking for identity in men, I lose sight of my identity in Christ. My gaze is not firmly set on Him. The word of the Lord says I am IN Christ and that he is within me. I am within Christ and therefore, I am secure. My heart is encased in his. He in me and around me. He perpetually flows till he surrounds... surrounding from the inside-out; covering every surface of my being.

With that in mind, I have been given new garments and new armor. I am a new creation IN Christ. I am clothed in strength and dignity, with robes of righteousness, with purity. I am clothed IN Christ. I have taken off the old and put on the new. I am ready for my wedding. I am a bride of Christ! And over these beautiful garments is an armor that is strong and sure.

This new armor of God is also MADE of God. The breastplate of righteousness- HIS righteousness. The helmet of Salvation- HIS salvation. (The knowledge of his sovereignty, the confidence of his hand around me, the validation of his part in every aspect of this armor.) The sword of truth- the very tongue and mouth of God. The list goes on. If this armor is MADE of God then I am clothed in Christ...I am armed with Christ. I put on Christ. Therefore,since I am in Christ, I don’t need to “put on” that armor every day…it is ON! All I need to do is look down and remember it is on, remind myself I wear Christ! He is my skin, he is the body in which I reside.

So I recount every unique part in praise and thanksgiving to my King. This praise and thanksgiving flows through this armor, drawing me closer to it. This allows a freedom. I can sit STILL in this armor… waiting and still…and in this quiet, secret place, I am INVISIBLE to the enemy. He can not touch me if he can not find me! And out of this stillness comes rest.

I am His, and he is mine. He is in me and I am in him. Out of rest, I can truly abide; BE with the Lord. In all circumstances, he is my all. He is my all, because he longs to and IS permeating every millimeter of my existence. Inside-out. Surrounding me on ALL sides—including the inside. And SO, I can boldly BE. I can BE, because he has wrapped himself in and around me, and my identity is securely protected by Him. We must be identified together now. For no one will or should be able to look at me and not see Him. He is my face. He is my armor.

The anticipation of my life is that the covering of his heart over mine will one day be grafted to my own heart. That I will have his heart. That HIS armor, will one day be grafted to my body, so that I will be like him and carry his likeness boldly on this earth.

Identity- Seeing Ourselves the Way He Does

2010-12-12T22:38:00.000-08:00

12I love to watch people.

I used to accredit myself as an unofficial sociologist...finding myself fascinated with the way people interact, move, talk...etc. In recent years, however, I haven't been looking. In fact, I've been doing everything NOT to look. Somehow I have gotten it into my head that if I am not looking at them, then they won't be looking at me. It's an interesting way to isolate...and completely ludicrous. I see that now. (It's amazing how little you see of your odd behaviors when you are seeking to be unaware.)

It reminds me of a friend of mine. When he was a little boy he would play peek-a-boo with his parents. He would close his eyes, covering them doubly with his chubby little fingers. The suspense would build in those moments before the "great reveal." They would say "Peek-A-Boo" but he would remain shut off...eyes closed...hands in place. He would brightly chime, "You can't see me!"

This strikes something deep in me...even to recount this funny anecdote. This past year, God has been caring for my heart so tenderly. He has blessed me and done amazing miracles of healing over old wounds. He revealed to me how I had certain habits and behaviors that were unhealthy. The most encouraging part was that they weren't really me. It had felt like the genuine article, because I had been using them to protect me and to shield me for years. It was familiar. Those aspects of me may have been how I was choosing to live, but the most freeing moment came when God revealed that I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT. I could choose freedom by just looking to the face of God. I kept asking myself the questions, "Do I believe that God is who He says He is?" and "Do I believe that I am who God says I am?"

Seeking and BELIEVING God we discover our true identity...we can see ourselves more clearly looking first to Jesus. He knows us much better than we know ourselves.

This year has been a long, hard, amazing, fruitful, wonderful, painful, stretching, rewarding, loving, tiring, abundant year. And I am so thankful. God is re-shaping my identity...he is healing me. Whenever I TRY to speed up the process or DO something, it never works...but when I let go, let go of control, God leads me...and it is true rest, and peace always follows. He is beginning to show me how to live by the spirit and not by my soul (emotions). This particular gift came last Tuesday, December 7th:
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I love to watch people.

At the grocery store, the man behind me plops down a box of "Wheaties" on the conveyor belt next to my bananas. I look him over. Quite handsome. Single. Mid-30s. Well-built. 'Had the 'Wheaties' contributed?' An inward chuckle and chide to self and my eyes are immediately on the man in front of me. A thick European accent drifts from his lips toward a man, who by look and speech, must be his brother. 'Aren't we all so beautiful?' I think happily. Each so uniquely fashioned and designed- each pulsating literally and figuratively with such facets of wonder... I find myself musing over the Brothers and Wheaties-Man... What their lives are like...families...jobs... We are all so beautiful.

As I walk to my car, a wonderful feeling rises up out of me. 'I'm awesome!' I elate. 'I really am! I'm beautiful. I'm talented. I'm intelligent. I'm witty. I'm fun. I'm full of life and adventure and I am a daughter of the King! Jesus, JESUS LOVES ME! Life is actually good! It's not hopeless...I'm going to be okay. God loves me!'

This is true joy! To celebrate myself the way my Father does...in honesty- no shred of conceit or bragging ambition...acceptance of the reality and truth of WHO I AM...who God has made me into...who he continues to fashion after Himself.

This is identity.

This is true esteem. Not the self-esteem so strived for...No. This is a holy unified esteem. One that expressly praises the Creator- His flair for individuality and His love of His creation. I am with Him but I am me. He is in me and I am in Him and we are inseparable. He made me and I am beautiful, but NOW He is IN me and WITH me. I shine with Him. His residue is thick, his stain glorious. I can't be near him and it not rub off on me. I take after Him.

I take after Him!

I take after my beautiful, holy, glorious, perfect, wonderful, Father!

I will never feel ugly again. If I should...if I WOULD... I would blatantly be choosing to embrace a lie. I am not insufficient...I am not unworthy...I am not ugly or unlovable or a failure. I did not, could not, will not mess up the plans and abundance God has for my life.

In Christ I am everything, for HE is everything and I am in Him.

Morose Joy?

2010-11-02T15:32:00.001-07:00

I don't know how you can have gloom and joy at the same time....but I've experienced an interesting cocktail of the two today.

Maybe morose or gloomy aren't fitting. Maybe they are too fatal, too hopeless.

And let's be true here...there is always hope.

Yesterday morning I awoke from this amazing dream. In this dream I was spending the day with one of my friends. It was a bright dream- full of God's love, grace, and peace. This followed a rough night, so I half-expected my dreams to be fraught with anxiety and peril.

No. God was showing me grace abundantly. Grace and promise. Two things I didn't/don't/have never deserved. Yes he showered me in them.

Shortly after I awoke, other thoughts crowded in...a deep sadness overtook me. I've rarely felt the heaviness of this particular feeling. I didn't even want to get up. (not from fatigue but from hopelessness) I WAS LISTENING TO THE ENEMY...agreeing with his awful thoughts, letting HIM tell me that I was not good enough....WHY TRY? It's hopeless! Hide! Run! MOVE AWAY! Change everything around you...to protect what you're too scared to change in yourself.

WOAH! That last one was new revelation. Just now.

This went on all day. Everytime I would pray, I would see a picture of Jesus' outstretched hands. I could see the nail piercings, the blood flowed continuously and wet...but it was not gory. There was a beauty and richness to this scene. He was offering me his grace...but I felt undeserving. So I looked longingly at it and took it in small doses.

I played worship at youth group and through God's Grace- he led me through this mess to His presence! I could actually FEEL myself going from this despairing, lethargic place...through a door...into the presence of God...into worship....

About an hour after worship though, I was bombarded with vicious lies from Satan. I felt unsafe, alone, afraid...and so tired of fighting the enemy. I wanted to connect with friends but was unable. The enemy had built me a beautiful wall of enchanted glass. One I could hide behind and see others, but they couldn't quite see me. I was safe. I was misunderstood. I was alone.

When I realized I had been misled by the enemy, I pounded my fists angrily against the glass... but anger didn't solve anything....just cut gashes into my fists and bruises into my arms.

At the end of it...I lay in a heap of hurt...not completely sure how I got there.

Today..., the struggle continued....but I stopped listening to Satan...and started replacing his lies with truth. I kept repeating the truth....kept soaking in it... until I was saturated.

God is being very loving today. I am still inexplicably sad...a strange sorrow has tainted everything. It's almost as if I have been soaking in peroxide (truth) and even though it is extricating all of the germs and darkness, IT BURNS!

I can not recall ever having such a shadow over me...so I don't know what to think. Something has been struck...something buried deep. So even though there is this sadness...I also feel a little excited and full of hope...

One of the verses I have been meditating on is:

2 Corinthians 12:9+10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God's grace will sustain me...it is enough. All by itself...it is enough. His power will blend with my weakness. I will be molded into his perfection....reinforced. SO I can rejoice and have joy even when everything is confusing, even when I am frustrated, even when I don't know what's going on, even when I am weary, even when I feel beat-up... because I know that by God's grace, he will supply me his power to strengthen and carry me.

And I know he's got it all figured out...and eventually he will clue me in.

God's grace will wrap around these wounds...like fluffy gauze. His power will flow through me like a mighty wind...oxygen to my pain...

And I will be well...

In the Morning When I Rise....Give me Jesus.

2010-06-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

It is one of my favorite things in the WORLD right now, to wake up and feel Jesus with me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes Jesus picks out my clothes. Sometimes he wakes me up. He almost always says something really sweet to me. (Let's be honest- he probably always does, but I don't always hear him) I have felt this feeling on and off in my life, but these past months, I have never felt it stronger. It is awesome.

I used to sing that song- "In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus" and I sometimes wake up with that running through my head... but often, two verses stream through my mind like a stockmarket ticker. It usually comes out in a short phrase: "When I awake, still I am with you." and "Surround us in the morning with your unfailing love." Another one occasionally making it's way in is "His Joy comes with the morning."

My favorite ones aren't even verses- they are just little reassurances. "I am here." "You are beautiful." "I love you."

This morning for example, God woke me up. I had somehow turned off my alarm and set it at the wrong time. But I woke up at JUST the right time. With no alarm. Thank you Lord!!!

Today I felt a message. Calm, steady and peaceful.

"Stop overthinking, Melissa. Follow the heart I gave you. I gave you your life- why won't you live it? I have orchards of sweet fruit for you to taste. Will you try some?"

Somehow I have always tried to turn the grapes into wine without even tasting if they were ripe. I always end up with crushed, bruised fruit...and purple feet. So ripen up that fruit, Lord... cause I will want some!

Insecurity Rock Bottom.

2010-06-10T07:16:00.001-07:00

I'm there, Lord.

I've had enough.

I'm sick and tired of letting insecurity win. I'm disgusted with how it cheats me, how it shames me, how it causes me to doubt myself, how it steals my dignity, how it causes me to hide. How it heaps regrets on my heart.

I'm exhausted from trying to hide. I'm weary of second guessing EVERY thing I do in certain situations with certain people.

Insecurity is deceitful. Sometimes it doesn't permeate every area of your life. Sometimes it only shows up in a few situations, a few relationships...

I've been asking myself- Why these relationships? Why these situations?

Someone said something that kind of hit me- the relationships that have the potential for the most impact, or the relationships where God really has a purpose- there is sometimes the most fear. My insecurity is triggered by those situations.

I keep hearing God tell me to relax. TO just be. And part of me is waiting for these people to get as fed up as I am...to stop wanting to get to know me. I EXPECT them to give up...to reject me, and because I do not feel certain of their intentions, I do not relax. Somewhere I'm trying to figure out what they want from me. It is too impossible to think that they simply want to get to know me.

Self-sabotage.

Lord, break this spirit of self-sabotage, this spirit of fear, this self-protection, this UNBELIEF in YOUR SECURITY.

I'm reminded of a song we sing at church. Because the truth is- this all comes down to Him and I. It all comes down to how intimately he wants me as his own. When I wake up, I hear him singing. I hear him say, "When you rise in the morning, still I am with you." When I go to sleep, he yearns to take my analyzing, and my self-criticism. He wants me out of myself and in Him. Insecurity is buried in SELF. And that is one of the core sins of insecurity.

You get to the point where you DO feel so wounded, so bruised, so used, so DONE- and then there's you. And why are you alone now? All your thoughts start pointing inward until you have built a nest of infesting thoughts of self. You are the dichotomy of self-exaltation and self-deprication.

And our Father wants us to be free. He WANTS US TO BE FREE!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face! And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his GLORY and GRACE!

You won't relent until you have it all! My heart is yours!
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart...as a seal upon my arm...
For there is love that is as STRONG AS DEATH...
Jealousy demanding as the grave!
And many waters cannot quench this love!

Come be the fire inside of me!
Come be the flame upon my heart!
Come be the fire inside of me!
Until you and I are ONE!

UNTIL YOU AND I ARE ONE!

Lord, Change my heart. Take my heart. Let it be yours. Mold it and shift it and change it to yours! I give you my heart. I give you my issues. I give you my stuff. Take it Lord.

What is Insecurity?

2010-05-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

I've learned a valuable lesson in the last couple weeks. Insecurity masks itself in several forms. I know this, because only a few months ago, I would refute that I had an issue with insecurity. I've started reading "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and as always when reading her work, I feel an affinity. She puts my own insecurity into eloquence with these words:

"Keep an open mind to what an insecure woman looks like, and don't be too hasty to let yourself off the hook just because one dimension of the portrait doesn't look like you. The fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-consciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it."

Wow.

She brought to light several forms of insecurity including a concern for how others view and interact with us. For example, "Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I've done something wrong? ...a strong desire to make amends even when I HAVEN'T done something wrong?"

Wow.

This happened just last week. There was a mess of gossip among my circle of friends and in my church, and I had this
need to investigate the root of this gossip- to be a little detective, a curious little kitten. My goal, was to discover the root of this gossip and dig it up. I had a talk with a very good friend who asked me if I needed to talk this out for my sake or for his.

Wow. That got me.

It was for me! It was for my own insecurity. I had to suss it all out... I had to tie all the loose strings back together. It would make me feel better if all the parties involved would stop talking about me or get it right.

Security would look different.

A lot different.

Security would say, "Well, they think XYZ about me and maybe they only have Y right, but oh well. God, I give this to you. Thank you for being my shield. Thank you for being my face...and for keeping it. I'm going to rest in knowing EXACTLY who I am... in you..."

Yep...that's what she would look like.

God is revealing my security in him...and it is interesting so far. Last week he prompted me to FINALLY join the gym at my work. Last week, my tight jeans were hanging off of me. Last week, emotions I didn't think I was ready to address, surfaced. Last week I bought a new shirt. This week I bought "So Long, Insecurity" and this week God broke several chains regarding my heart tied to the wounds people had inflicted in me. God removed swords, spears, and arrows from me.

I've never felt more secure amidst uncertainty.

The whole husband thing... it's coming sooner than I am "ready" for... but God's got it.

The whole missions thing...it's really going to happen...sometime in my future...it's not just a speculation now...God has PLANTED those desires DEEP within me... but God's got it.

The whole being loved, being hurt thing... God's got it.

The whole losing weight, being seen thing... God's got it.

God's telling me...as gently and as firmly as he does- "I've got it Melissa. I've got it. REST in my arms. REST in my security! I've got it. I've got it."

VICTORY OVER LIES!

2010-02-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt viciously pursued by the enemy? At every turn he is there, lurking in shadows, whispering venomous lies. I sit in silence driving my car, and he is at my side, trying to convince me my life is of no worth, that God is finished, that love is not mine. LET ME TELL YOU, LOVE IS MINE and I am loved with the only LOVE I will ever need: Jesus Christ's!
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Psalm 60:11
Give us aid against the enemy, for the help of man is worthless.

Psalm 64:1
[ For the director of music. A psalm of David. ]
Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the
enemy.

Psalm 13:2
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
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I have loved Jesus for years and in different seasons of my life, I have watched as he has claimed area after area of my life. This past season, God has pushed me further then ever! I have seen Jesus CLAIM my life, move MOUNTAINS, CRUSH SNAKES in my path, HURL BOULDERS away from crushing me, DO MIGHTY AND WONDERFUL THINGS! I have seen God bless me and love. I have been honored to even occasionally be used by God!

And I am thrilled.

If you've followed my posts, a lot of this has to do with obedience, and listening to God speak to me... trying my very best to trust him, to listen, to obey. I do not always succeed, but when I do- it is Christ within me that is succeeding! HE IS DOING IT ALL! Left to my own defenses, I would have withered into dust by now. Christ is powerful! SO POWERFUL!

As Christ has blessed me, I have felt the enemy's anger brood and boil in the darkness. Even as I write this, he fumes in fury! IN the past month, Christ has urged me to take up his sword (the HOLY living WORD of GOD!) and battle LIE after LIE! In the beginning, I prayed, I sought the prayer and help of other Christians and cried out to God...

WHO HEARD ME!

Psalm 107:6
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.

And you know what he said? "PICK UP YOUR SWORD!" (He used SEVERAL methods to deliver this message, and it came at the perfect time.)

Listen to some of these lies! Listen to God's responses!
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LIE 1:
Years ago, when you needed God the most, he abandoned you. He let you get hurt by men. Men are not trustworthy and neither is God. You really can not trust anyone.

TRUTH 1-A: I can TRUST GOD!
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

TRUTH 1-B: God did NOT abandon me!
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 27:10
Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

Psalm 94:14
For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.

TRUTH 1-C: God has DRAWN me nearer to him with every ache of my heart!
Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

TRUTH 1-D: The Lord wants to FIGHT for me!
Exodus 14:14
14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

The TRUTH IS: God never left me. He wants to RESTORE me! There were times when I was hurt as a child and as an adult, but God spared me in SO many ways! And he has turned those wounds into beautiful scars! Scars that now shine with his glory and his RESTORATION!

Isaiah 61:3
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

AMEN!
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LIE 2:
You have been rejected by many people you have loved. Obviously, you are lacking where there is need..you are not enough. Not only are you not enough in SO many areas, you are also too much! You need too much, love too much, want too much out of life! Why can't you just take what you get and be satisfied?

TRUTH 2:
Psalm 139:13-18
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
***

When I looked at the original translation for verse 17, I saw that this could also be worded, "How precious concerning meare your thoughts, O God!" WOW! When God thinks of me, he is thinking wonderful things. Psalm 139 is an amazing scripture talking about how much God loves us! How valuable he considers us! HIS PRECIOUS thoughts about us, OUTNUMBER the grains of sand! Have you ever been to the sand dunes, let alone the ocean? WOW!

The Second lie deals with self-worth! We are not enough, or are too much! DOESN'T EVERY woman feel this way at some point?!?!
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LIE 3:
Your sins are too dark to be covered by God. He will forgive you and let you into heaven, but your life will be forever marred because of the mistakes you have made. No good man will ever REALLY love you. You will never be good enough.

TRUTH 3:
HE HAS SET YOU FREE...YOU ARE FREE, INDEED!
John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 3:17-19
17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.[a] 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world

Isaiah 62
Zion's New Name
1 For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn (until you shimmer)
her salvation like a blazing torch.

2 The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory(your beauty);
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

3 You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand (the crown of creation,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

4 No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in her),
and your land Beulah (married);
for the LORD will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

5 As a young man marries a maiden (he pursues her, romances her),
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride (you are lovely),
so will your God rejoice over you. (emphasis added taken from "Captivating" by Stasi Elderedge)

God doesn't just want to SAVE us, although he is the SAVIOR and has promised that if we accept him. He also wants to REDEEM us! RESTORE us!
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LIE 4:
Being thin is not safe. Whenever you have been physically beautiful in the past, men have tried to devour you. If you lose weight or make an effort to be aesthetically pleasing, a man will only love you because you are pretty...not because of who you are. He will objectify you, cheat on you, and hurt you. You need to be overweight. God is not big enough to protect you against the advances of evil men!

TRUTH 4: (in several parts)
GOD WANTS ME TO BE RESTORED:
Jeremiah 30:16-17 (New International Version)

16 " 'But all who devour you will be devoured;
all your enemies will go into exile.
Those who plunder you will be plundered;
all who make spoil of you I will despoil.

17 But I will restore you to health
and heal your wounds,'
declares the LORD,
'because you are called an outcast,
Zion for whom no one cares.'

I WILL RESTORE YOU!

GOD WANTS ME TO TAKE CARE OF MY BODY
1 Corinthians 9:24-27
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

I've been saying this verse to myself whenever I workout or go on a run:
Isaiah 40:31

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

GOD WANTS ME TO BEAR HIS BEAUTY:
Zechariah 9:16-17

16 The LORD their God will save them on that day
as the flock of his people.
They will sparkle in his land
like jewels in a crown.

17 How attractive and beautiful they will be!

God has promised to be with us and to give us his freedom (2 Cor 3:17)...these lies promote captivity. As we grow in Christ, we grow into his image, and into his mind...we hopefully begin to resemble him quite a bit.

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

This is one of my all-time favorite verses, because it illustrates the kind of beauty the Lord wants us to pursue. That we will bear and testify HIS beauty! We REFLECT the Lord's glory! How awesome is that? That God loves us so much, he allows us to bear on our physical and spiritual lives a vestige, a TRACE, of his glory! Wow! Thanks, God!
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REMEMBER THIS: SATAN WANTS TO LIE TO YOU! HE WANTS YOU TO SETTLE FOR LESS! IF HE'S ALREADY LOST YOU TO THE SALVATION OF THE LORD, HE WANTS TO FURTHER IMPRISON YOU AND LIE TO YOU TO HOLD YOU BACK FROM GOD'S CLAIM AND CALL ON YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

Isaiah 44:20
20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"

IT'S A LIE! AND HE'S A LIAR!!!!

John 8:44
You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

BE ENCOURAGED! FIGHT LIES WITH THE SWORD OF TRUTH! It is fitting that God has called it a sword...mine has seen a lot of battle lately. PLEASE don't let Satan capture you and defeat you. FIGHT him with the sword God has given you!

Psalm 31
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, [a]
and my bones grow weak.

11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.

12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave. [b]

18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

22 In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

Psalm 18:17

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

LET'S RECOGNIZE.

2010-02-08T00:52:00.000-08:00

It's 4:00 a.m.

One might wonder why I am awake at such an hour.

It's really not a terrible thing. I just have to go to the airport in a half an hour to deposit my sister and brother-in-law safely on an airplane back to Traverse City, MI.

My sister flew down Saturday night, and her husband flew in Sunday afternoon. He works for an airport, so they are pretty much granted free airfare whenever they want if they are willing to fly standby.

So...I got to have a little superbowl party with my sis, bro and cousin... It was great. OH YEAH...except for that one part where the Colts lost. Let's not talk about that.

God's been doing a lot...but when is he NOT doing a lot? I should say, I've been able to see some of the stuff God has been doing a lot more clearly lately.

Satan has ATTACKED me these last couple weeks with LIES. It's been crazy the mini-battle marching in my head. Satan will lie...usually something like, "Melissa, you are unlovable and not enough." And I will think,

'Um. No...Satan I'm not." And he will say,

"Yes you are. Remember this and this and this? These things PROVE that all I say is true. Let's be honest. You're not good enough. You never will be." And then God will say,

"Melissa, Satan is a liar. I made you with my hands! It was MY breath that breathed life into your lungs. It was I who thought of every little thing about you before you were made. I gave you your big blue eyes, and your sensitive heart. I looked down at you and thought, 'this one will bear my beauty and I will use her for MY glory.' Melissa, you are mine. You let me in long ago and I will NEVER leave you. I am yours. Satan is a liar."

And this went on. And on. And on. Satan would lie. God would proclaim.

It was exhausting.

But the last two days, I started to realize one way that Satan was getting such a foothold of my mind was because PART OF ME BELIEVED HIM! Even when God was POURING his love and his TRUTH into my heart, PART OF ME....Part of me thought,

"No. He's right Lord. I am worthless. Don't you remember how I hurt you? Don't you remember how I twisted the nails in deeper? Don't you remember the density of my sins wrapped around you as you hung on that cross?"

Part of me really didn't forgive myself. And this is the doorway which Satan trotted through, head held high...ready and MORE THAN WILLING to wreak havoc in my mind.

Today in church one of the pastors gave a sermon very close to this war. He talked about freedom from religion....freedom from the law. He briefly talked about forgiving ourselves. And this hit me. IT hit me.

I went up for prayer and my sister came along with me and prayed with two women from my church. There was a really cool moment that I felt something being lifted or moved...like a shadow had been blocking this light...and then it moved...and the light was pulsing down...

I even opened my eyes to see if maybe I was just seeing a light source through my eyelids, because sometimes that happens...and it was hazy like that...

But there was no light source where we were standing.

I wish I had had the faith to keep my eyes closed and focused on that light. It was vibrant.

I told God that I wanted to forgive myself. That I wanted to see myself the way he saw me even through my mistakes and through my past that has wounded me.

My mind was settled after that.

Pray with me and for me as I enter these exciting and dark caverns. God is helping me discover many layers...and I don't know if there is more to the path of forgiveness...all I know is that today...the battle was the Lord's...and he WHOOPED on Satan!

Abundance....and Moonlight.

2010-01-31T19:04:00.000-08:00

The moon awoke me this morning,
Peering into my rocky sleep,
Tucked in between dreams.
It was bright.
It was good.
It was beautiful.
It was God.
It was holy.

I don't remember much about the dream, but there was some kind of creature that if we looked into their eyes, could see the future of our fertility. One woman looked into the eyes of the creature and saw her baby die. I looked into the eyes of my creature and saw myself giving birth, it looked painful but before I could see what happened, I looked away and told the creature that I did not want to know. I think I was convinced, even without seeing the outcome, that the baby died. The interesting thing is that there was reason for me to be convinced of my baby's death. No vision, no prophesy, no truth. It was my fear. My own fear convinced me that the baby would die.

Hmmmm.

Interesting dream. I don't really remember much about the dream and what I do is hazy...I do remember being TERRIFIED. And I awoke terrified. To the light of the holy moon. The moon that God created. And the fear slowly drained from me in the light of God's constancy. Perfect love drives out fear. PERFECT love DRIVES out FEAR!

Later, I was talking to Janelle, my darling sister, of my fears that Godly men do not see me, only evil men. I told her that most of the time I rest and REVEL in God's beauty and the joy of claiming it... but that I am still, through all of my scars, wrestling through a way to believe that a MAN OF GOD, WITH GOD'S HEART AND EYES, will see me? WHAT IS WRONG with that picture?

Janelle said something along the lines of: Hmmmm. Don't you feel kind of like a hypocrite, half of your life claiming God's beauty and showing other young girls to do the same? How can you say you believe in the beauty that God has instilled in you and feel value...but then lack the faith that God could bring you a man who could also recognize and value these things? A man who has eyes like God?

I responded that those exact thoughts have been pounding in my heart for several weeks as God is bringing several issues in my past to a boiling point...exposing the bruised and not completely healed areas... refining. With fire. It was easier to believe that a wonderful man would come RIGHT after my beauty revelation at 19. But since 19, my heart has been wounded (accidentally or not) by two Christian men, and attacked by other men who did not have access to my heart, but sliced through my outward protection and pierced it quite effectively. And it seems that some of the great progress God had made with my heart was corrupted once again.

I told her sometimes I felt like the outer me has been used up...and that men see the outer... That the inner is being blessed and tended to by God but that no one can see it. Or at least they only appreciate it like one appreciates a flower. A plant that dies in their care after a few days.

PITY PARTY. (and an OUTRIGHT LIE-fest... Don't I know it!)

Janelle unknowingly reflected my Obedience/Abundance post when she said: "God wants to offer you redemption NOT just salvation. He doesn't want to just save you he wants to REDEEM you and bless you. Make you whole."

Then she quoted part of my entry to me, or should I say...SCRIPTURE:
"I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten."

Um HALLELU YA!

The thing is... I recognize these lies AS lies... but even recognizing something is not the same thing as REBUKING it, turning it away, and CLAIMING TRUTH!

I'm so far from perfect.

But God loves me. He has made me beautiful. I may have been hurt by others and myself, but God RESTORES and REDEEMS...even those things that have been devoured.

And I know he is preparing the heart of a man I already love. I don't know who he is... but I have been praying for him since I was a little girl. Storing my hopes for him and for our life together, praying for God's blessing to be over his life.

And you know- if God doesn't want a man for me, I trust him to change my heart.

Pray for me! God is leading me through my darkest valley yet... and the reason why it is the darkest is because I have walked through it before. It is the valley where the roots of my fears and my insecurities soak up the earth. It is a valley years behind me, yet stretched out before me.

For some of this, it may come as a shock to you. You view me as confident and rejoicing. And I am and do for the promises I HAVE CLAIMED.

BUT...

There still are promises I have yet to claim! Abundance and life that God has for me that I have been fearful to reach for! Pray for strength from God, WISDOM, and trust! That these good things God has for me, these orchards filled with sweet fruit, ARE REAL and PROMISED to me... (and I am NOT talking about a man, I am talking about REDEMPTION. RESTORATION. FREEDOM!

It is night.

And the holy moon is shining through my window.

I am filled with joy.

Obedience and Abundance

2010-01-22T12:29:00.000-08:00

Joel 2:12-32

Isn’t it interesting how your life with Christ is a journey? All of those parables about races, and paths…they all seem to make perfect sense the more you walk with Christ. I can honestly look back on my life and see different points…different pit stops and places where God did something new, something old…something to refine me…make me who I am. The very best part is that God is never done, the road stretches out before us, and God is with us every single step. If we seek him, if we reach for his hand…he has promised to guide us…to refine us… and that is awesome.

Now…I’m going to get a little personal.

Six months ago, I was struggling with one of the biggest things I have ever dealt with as a Christian, as a person, as a woman. I had felt the assurance that God saw me as beautiful, unique, his own… I felt beautiful… But I still struggled with the idea that any man would ever be able to see it. I fear to be truly seen. It is a struggle I am still dealing with. It is so easy to hide behind things: my words, my weight…to dull my beauty down. I don’t want to be known for the beauty of my face or my body. I want to be known for the beauty of my heart. For so long I have held onto this…with a fierce stubborn fear… I wanted the right guy to find me…to truly see me… the way God had.

Six months ago, I was seeking God, but his plan was blocked by my focus on another person….of course--- A GUY! This guy and I had been in a relationship- on and off. He couldn’t get past the ugliness- the façade. He couldn’t stand my armor. It repulsed him. I became aware of one of the wounds of my past at around this time. One of the wounds that inspired me to keep this armor on. When I was freshly reminded of this sharp wound, my impulse was to continue to hide.

WHAT A SHAME!

God was prompting me, asking me to listen. And I could not hear. WOULD not hear. He asked me to give up this guy….to walk away. I knew in my HEART that this guy was NOT FOR ME! But I kept seeing who he COULD be, waiting for him to become that man. God said let go. He told me he eventually wanted me to let go of my armor… to let myself be healthy. But I continued to walk my own path… trying to hold on to my armor and this guy while also holding onto God’s hand. As you know- I only have two hands.

Now A LOT has happened in 6 months. I have since let go of one of these things. The guy. It was so hard at the time… at the time it felt impossible. BUT WOW!

I can’t even say how right this was! That step of obedience made me realize how much my focus of this guy had been blocking my focus of God. Before, with guy in tow, I had still sought God, loved God, praised God… but I can now see and admit that he was not my primary focus. He was not my God. I was continuing to sacrifice to God… but without obedience. If you look at my past entry, “My Heart” it lays it out perfectly how it had been going. I still invited God into my home and let him tend my heart, but I divided his time with this guy. A healthy relationship- one built on the foundations GOD has designed for relationships shouldn’t tear you away from your time with God. It should build you up…and prompt you towards Christ more. As iron sharpens iron.

1 Samuel 15:22
“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of the rams.”

On the other side, giving Christ BOTH obedience AND sacrifice… I can FEEL the Lord’s delight! What a difference it has made! I’m starting to see God’s grace, compassion, and love for me in a new way.

I haven’t talked about the armor. In the midst of what God is showing me now, I see that in the distance. I know what’s coming up next. I am thankful that God does walk with us IN STEPS! I am a little scared. I know that the armor “protects me” from my past pains, insecurities, and wounds. I also know that my Jesus sees THROUGH my armor. He is the only one I can not convince. He sees my beauty. He sees who I am. I sometimes feel like Jesus is shaking his head, sadly.

“Why are you putting this on? It will not hide you. I have made you. You are much too vibrant. My love will pour out of every crack. The time is coming to take it off, Melissa. It is a waste of your energy. What could you be doing for me with that energy?”

OH how I long to be free from this armor! But I can sense that there is a LOT of work to be done before the armor comes off. And I am trusting in God’s promises…and relaxing in this sweet spot I’m going through in the meantime!

God recently brought my mind back to Joel. Joel 2:12-32 to be exact. Please read it! I’m just going to put a few verses here. In MY personal journey… it reflects the MANY times in my life where I have tried it my way…walked a separate path from God… but the part he has been showing me recently is the abundance…the PROMISE….

Joel 2:12-14

Rend Your Heart
12 "Even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

14 Who knows? He may turn and have pity
and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the LORD your God.

THIS IS AWESOME:

Ok….before I give you this next verse, I have to tell you what happened before God lead me back to it. I was very upset the other day…listening to Satan tell me that it didn’t matter how beautiful God had made me and that I felt God’s love. Satan told me no one would EVER see me. That this man who I had given back to God was my last chance. That I was worthless, ugly, vile, NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That the armor would stay on forever…I could not survive without it. That God was done with me. SUCH LIES!!!! Well God kicked Satan in the booty with this:

Joel 2:19- 21
19 The LORD will reply [a] to them:
"I am sending you grain, new wine and oil,
enough to satisfy you fully;
never again will I make you
an object of scorn to the nations.

20 "I will drive the northern army far from you,
pushing it into a parched and barren land,
with its front columns going into the eastern sea [b]
and those in the rear into the western sea. [c]
And its stench will go up;
its smell will rise."
Surely he has done great things. [d]

21 Be not afraid, O land;
be glad and rejoice.
Surely the LORD has done great things.

22 Be not afraid, O wild animals,
for the open pastures are becoming green.
The trees are bearing their fruit;
the fig tree and the vine yield their riches.

23 Be glad, O people of Zion,
rejoice in the LORD your God,
for he has given you
the autumn rains in righteousness. [e]
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm [f]—
my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,
that I am the LORD your God,
and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.

I’m not going to pretend to know all of what this means in my life. But I have a feeling God is going to show me! I read these words and Satan’s lies were wiped from my mind… peace settled.

Do not be discouraged that your life is like a journey! REJOICE in that! No one is perfect. God wants to draw you nearer to him…so you can take part in his holiness… and that takes refining. I will say that ever since I have tried in the littlest of steps to OBEY him, even things that seem small enough that I can handle them on my own- I feel God's delight.

I am SO glad, God is still refining me. And he is refining you too.

"You are the God who sees me..." Pt. 2

2010-01-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

"You are the God who sees me..."

2009-12-30T15:13:00.001-08:00

I'm in this strange place.

I am financially unstable but very much resting in God's presence. God has really drawn me nearer to him lately... even before my world started rocking...

I've been having dreams lately. Lots of dreams. Last night I had one- and I don't remember much about it, except one phrase that stayed with me. I was outside on the ground, and all of these writings, paintings, and journals of mine were on the ground. It was muddy and it was raining and I was trying desperately to scoop them up and carry them inside. There was a woman there... I don't remember her role in the dream. She looked down at all of these things and said, "Huge. It's huge." And I looked up at her, kind of in question. And she said, "Your heart is huge."

I don't remember much of that dream, but that part sticks and ticks within me.

I've been doing a bible study on my own lately, that my mother purchased for me last year at camp. In the section that I am in, it is talking about how God sees us. The first part talked of Hagar, and how God saw her pain regarding Sarah's treatment and resentment of her, and how he blessed her descendants. She calls him "the God who sees me" or "the God who comforts" "the God who sees"... Later in another part- it talks about Leah...and how God saw that she was unloved by her husband and opened her womb. She again refers to him as the "God who saw her pain"

I feel like my dreams have been like that lately. In these dreams- nothing has been revealed to change my life... but God SEES me. He sees my heart, he sees my pain, he sees my lows, he sees my inadequacies.

I have such a peace in feeling that God sees me...through everything.

Dream Drip Drop

2009-11-10T23:27:00.000-08:00

Can't sleep.

Tried.

I try all the time... and my mind runs faster and faster when I try to stop.

I was thinking about things I love tonight, as I was trying to sleep...thinking maybe I could distract myself with incessant thoughts.

LOVE:
Jesus.
My family.
My friends.
Being capable of loving.
Warm summer rain
Changing leaves.
Sunshine.

There is so much more.
But...maybe I'm too tired.
Maybe,
It's working
Finally...

When I Was A Little Girl...

2009-08-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl... I had lots of thoughts.

Perhaps I would never grow up...perhaps I would stay a child forever.

Of course, I would never stop playing pretend.

I would always love dolls, twirling, and the Backstreet Boys.

In Kindergarten, I sat next to an older girl on the bus. She would always smear oily, smelly make-up all over her face on the way to school.

I would never do that.

I would always have the time to climb trees, read, and lay on the side of my old forgotten bridge...dreaming...

I would love Star Trek, Star Wars, and Science Fiction ALWAYS...

If I did grow up, I would have 1,000 babies or adopt a whole mansion of children and love them as my own.

I would meet a most wonderful man. I would meet him in some adventurous way...
...He would rescue me from a burning building...
...I would be a mermaid, rescuing him from drowning and fall in love with him...
...He would gallop after me on his noble steed, after my own wild and fiery horse had gotten loose...

The higher we climbed into our treehouse, the farther we stepped into a different world.

Orchards Filled With Fruit

2009-08-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

There is nothing to fear,
For I am near.
He loves not what he does not know-
And loves mist and smoke.

You are beautiful.
You are mine.
I have chosen you...
I have CALLED you...
I have beckoned you nearer to me with every ache of your heart.

Won't you welcome me?
Won't you run to me?
I am LOVE where love was lacking.
I am love.
I am love.
All you seek is me.
I am yours as you are mine.
Draw nearer to me and I will show you more of myself.

Do not waste the beauty I have given you.
Do not waste away.
Do not pine for bitter things when I have orchards filled with sweet fruit for you to taste!

He has not made you happy.
He has made you bitter and dissatisfied.
And what you have given of your heart has made him like a thief...
And has corrupted your love of him.

Break down the walls.
Quit thirsting after his shallow affection.
Thirst for my beauty and light.
What good is it to love someone who does not exist but in a vapor?
Or miss the sour kisses of love not fully claimed?
YOU COULD HAVE SO MUCH MORE.

I have so much for you,
For you ARE mine.
And I love you.
Truly.

Be at peace.

2009-08-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

Psalm 126
A song of ascents.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

2009-08-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

The Collector

It’s easy to forget all the wonderful things when someone doesn’t appear to truly notice them. Does that make you less worthy or valuable? Or is it he that you should feel sorry for? Pity him for not taking care of something so valuable and extraordinary.

You saw him.

In rain and shine.

When he wasn’t great and when he was absolutely wonderful. You saw the beauty in him, so aren’t you the lucky one? So what that he didn’t appreciate you? Wouldn’t choose to love you back? Wouldn’t choose to let you love him?

Why can’t you get it that someday you will be seen and that someone will revel in your beauty—delight in you. Wouldn’t you rather have that? Rather than be someone’s last resort—second choice—back-up? YOU DESERVE WONDER.

He can’t deserve you when he doesn’t even realize the treasure he is holding.

Think about a collector. Say this collector loves Corot- just like you. He has scoured the earth looking for a missing Corot painting. Let’s say that Prince William actually owns this painting. It’s in a heap of painting—in a room that’s just full of forgotten paintings that have been lying around for centuries- gathering mold.

He’s maybe even seen it… walked by it a few times. But he’s never really SEEN it. It’s in Prince William’s possession but he doesn’t really deserve it, does he? He’s never stopped to dust it off and really look at it. See the gold-leafing and the stark, breath-taking contrast. The way the brush dips in and out between exact likeness and dreamy haziness. He doesn’t even know to appreciate that a master painter, Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot, HIMSELF, actually painted this painting! That HIS hands held the brush that rendered this work of art. That his eye scrutinized and beheld every detail- envisioning and implementing every aspect of fine beauty.

How could Prince William deserve this painting?! How could he, when he doesn’t even have a clue how valuable and beautiful it is?

He can not deserve it if he has barely even begun to appreciate it.

But the Collector.

He loves this painting—even though he has NEVER seen it. He searches and he waits. He won’t find it until it leaves Prince William’s room of Forgotten Paintings though.

The Collector knows that this beautiful painting exists and so he searches, and so he waits.

Loving something he has never even seen.

My Heart

2009-08-07T00:09:00.000-07:00

Someone requested that I post the following entry. *I changed some names to protect my friends, but it is probably one of the most honest things I have ever written...

MY HEART

Have you ever loved someone so much that your stomach hurts? It is physically painful how much you feel… like an army of bees spinning honey in your organs… like a coil twisted so tight, you wait and wait for it to spring, and it never does. That’s how it’s felt to love him sometimes. There were times when he would kiss me and my heart would catch and I literally couldn’t breathe for a fraction of a second. That was Jake*. I always thought those were fairytales.
With Rob*, I spent every waking moment with. He knew my past…he was part of it. We were linked by family and history and commonalties. It was all in the details. It felt amazing to be known and to truly KNOW someone. I loved him the best way my sweet and unbroken 20-year-old heart could. That was Rob. He was everything I grew up thinking I wanted.

I look back on it now and marvel at how careless I had been with my heart. I look back at that love and I know it was so small compared to the love I have for Jake, but for some reason, Rob hurt much more. Maybe it’s the whole, "the first cut is the deepest thing’ but I remember nights crying so hard that I would wake up and my eyes would be swollen and sealed shut with my tears. I DID love Rob. But when I look back, I see how naïve and innocent it was. I had never given him my heart. I let him see it all the time. I didn’t know to. I felt safe. He knew every crevice, every scar, and so when things didn’t work out, my heart felt heavy and vulnerable.
I loaded my life with extra-curriculars and business, hoping to distract myself from seeing that my heart was becoming heavy with grief and cracking from the weight and fullness of rejection and failing to juggle everything successfully. Soon, everything crashed and my broken heart fell last. It was too heavy, and I dropped it. It was a fresh heart too, you know? When it fell, it didn’t shatter from being cold and made of ice. And it didn’t crack and break apart like a brittle pot of clay. It didn’t thump loudly and indent because of it’s callused, outward covering. I wasn’t callused, I wasn’t bitter. I wasn’t cold and aloof. I was fresh.

Don’t get me wrong. I had been hurt before. I had soft spots and bruises and cuts all over that heart. But they had been bandaged and were healing. My heart simply had never known it could take such a beating. I used to long to know what it felt like to fall in love and get your heart broken. Now I wish I had seen the treasure it was to not have that experience. It may have not been perfect. It might have been misshapen and bruised, but it was whole. And after Rob, it just simply wasn’t the same. My heart hit that floor and it just fell apart like a soft melon being dropped from a high place. Pieces flying in every direction and that soft unprotected center oozing out.

And I did what I had to do. I scrambled for the pieces, scooped everything that had escaped back into my damaged and soft heart. And then I started binding it. Not bandaging. Binding. I had to keep it together. I could not be broken. I wrapped it in thick strips of muslin first, then covered it in mud and let it bake in the sun till it was hard. Then I covered it in cement. I tried covering up that soft heart with something harder than I was. And I did something else too.
I started hiding my heart. I kept it in a jar above my bed for a while, hanging from a chain. But when it’s beat would keep me up at night, I would cover it in socks and sweatshirts and try to hide it in my closet. When that didn’t work, I buried it in my yard. But I kept it safely hidden away. For a while, I resorted to a social version of myself that was safe, and was me but only just enough to keep people from getting too deep. They knew me. Sure. But only two inches wading in.

God would every once in a while pick away at that layer of cement. He would find it no matter where I would hide it and he would just start picking away. And sometimes there was a lot of pressure. I would feel that pick and hammer against my heart, and I would know that God was up to something. But it would also feel so good when he would pick up that heart. And hold it in his hands. Even when it was the heaviest, after it’s latest concrete dip… even then, I could still feel his hands through every layer. And he would wrap himself around it… and I tried not to mind that he was destroying everything I had made.

When Jake came along the concrete was gone, but my heart was still broken. The muslin still clung furiously to my bloody, broken heart and the cement had done a lot of damage. More than I realized. It had pushed a once vibrant and unashamed heart into a small, dark, space. And I still hid it every night before I went to sleep. Once in a while, when he would come over, I would hold it in my arms, clasping it desperately, and let him peek through the cracks in my arms to see it. Sometimes he would think it was so beautiful, but most of the time it would overwhelm him and he could only look at it for a few moments. It was too much for him. I could never figure which was too much: the beauty, or the decay.

After a while, I let him hold it, but only if it was in a basket. He always wanted a blanket too, just in case it became too much to look at it. My heart was happy when it was with Jake, and it shone so bright that the light would burst through the cracks and in between the lines of the muslin.
Jake wasn’t always very good about taking care of it, but I still trusted him with it. I don’t know why. He dropped it all the time. That was the biggest problem. He would always apologize, saying he didn’t mean to drop it.

I would always forgive him.

The best part is that when Jake was holding my heart, I was allowed to hold his. He has a beautiful heart. Don’t get me wrong, it’s seen some bad things. It’s got bruises from his childhood, a few knicks here and there. The most noticeable is a long deep cut that runs from the top almost all the way down to the bottom. Apparently, when he was younger, a vicious Lynx had pounced on it and had swiped one cruel and sharp claw at it. Jake would insist that it was healed up, but sometimes when he was busy paying attention to my heart, or distracted by something else, blood and pus would just ooze out of that wound and I would clean it up softly and gently and wouldn’t say a word.

Meanwhile, God was always asking to spend time with my heart. Sometimes it was annoying because Jake would already be gone with it, out taking a walk or something. God would still stay and talk with me, worried that something might happen to my heart while it was with Jake. I went over all the logical explanations as to why it was perfectly fine. God would just nod his head and look at me. I could see the worry in his eyes, but I would just busy myself with something else or change the subject.

Jake was strange about my heart. Sometimes he would come and gladly take my heart and other times I would ask for him to take it and he would want nothing to do with it. Sometimes I would ask Jake if he wanted to keep it forever. I told him that if he just asked nice and maybe gave me his heart; I would let him keep mine for always. Like a trade-off. He would get really spooked at that. He would throw the basket at me and run away. I figured it was that old Lynx wound that still needed to heal up. At least, I hoped that was the reason. I didn’t want to think that maybe, just maybe, he just didn’t want my dirty, broken, bound-up heart. Every time he would leave my heart and not take it with him, that burst of light would shrink back within it’s binding.

When God would finally get a chance alone with my heart, he started working on all that mud I had caked over the muslin. He would sit over it and with kind, slow hands; he would gently scrub away. Sometimes I would watch in awe, noticing the difference between the way God handled my heart and the way Jake handled my heart. I would tell God, and he would nod and keep working away at that mud.

I started getting on Jake’s case about the way he treated my heart. He would say things like, "Well you are the one who said it was ok for me to take it on a walk. It’s not my fault the basket tipped over."

I would get mad.

"So my heart is like a pet to you? Like a dog that you can beat and it will still come back to you?"

He would get all contrite and look at me with his sad, soft eyes. "I didn’t realize that I hurt it that badly. I’m sorry. I won’t drop it again. I promise."

To his credit, he WAS always very good about putting my heart back safely and with the utmost care wherever I had hidden it. And he respected my rules… never looking too closely at the heart or taking it out of the basket and holding it too closely. Sometimes I think he was afraid to look to close. Maybe afraid that if he held it, it would burn through his skin. Maybe it would have.

In the meantime, I had grown quite attached to his heart. I would often hint that I wanted to keep it, or that it would be a great Christmas present. He would scowl, and rip his heart out of my hands and leave. In those times when he would leave it in my care, I saw it flourish. The large gouge was healing up nicely. The color had deepened. It would sit happily and beat calmly against my hands. I would hold it close to my chest and remember what it had felt like in the old days, when my own heart felt safe inside. But I couldn’t trust anyone’s heart in there anymore. It had not proven to be very safe.

God had finally gotten the last of the mud off when he said, "You know, Melissa… it’s probably not a good idea for you to let Jake take your heart like that whenever he wants to. You need to keep it safe with you. I only gave you one, and I meant it when I asked you to guard it. I understand why you bury it and hide it from others right now, sometimes even yourself. But if you aren’t even ready to put it back where it belongs, inside you… then I hardly think you should be letting Jake borrow it."

I would get mad when God would say things like that, because I would hear the truth inside his words. Plus, I knew how happy my heart was when it was Jake… and how sad it was without him. I didn’t want to let go. God mentioned lots of things. Like… sometimes Jake would come over to borrow my heart and not bring his… and worse… sometimes he would come over and just leave his here and not take mine. It was hard to take care of two hearts… especially when they weren’t in the best of shape.

Then there came a day when God peeled off the first strip of muslin. It hurt so much. It had been on there a while and my heart had grafted to it. It took almost all day. When God finally pulled the last part of the strip away, he said:

"My dear Melissa. Please listen. Letting Jake borrow your heart is really hurting it. You haven’t let him hold it, he hasn’t really taken a good look at it, and he keeps it covered all the time. Every time he takes it, it is happy and it swells with joy…causing the muslin bands to tighten around the heart. It’s making it harder for me to take them off. Your heart isn’t ready to fill like that… It needs to be free of all the bindings before it can love."

"Well what about me? It can love me."

"But you never want to be near it. You hide it every chance you get, and when you’re not hiding it, you’re trying to give it to someone else to take care of. They can’t take off the bindings; they can’t wipe the mud away. Only I can do that. And only if you’ll let me."

Of course, I got defensive. "Well I let you! You were here all the time scrubbing away, and look all of the dirt is gone!"

"Do you want me just to make it better for a short time? Do you want me to remove a strip of muslin one-day, only to come the next day and start all over again. Your heart is getting better Melissa, but I don’t get that much time with it. I love Jake. He is my son, and there is no reason you can not show him parts of your heart as you do with your other friends… but I do not want you to let him have your heart anymore. Not unless he is ready to hold it, and to keep it."
I changed the subject. But everyday he said the same thing. And I was starting to see his point.

"Do you want to be well, Melissa? I will come here every day and I will tend to your heart, if you ask me to. If you want to really be well, than follow me. Listen to me. I want the very best for you and your heart. I love you. I will make you well. I WANT to make you well."

I think God had been talking to Jake about this too… probably in a different way. Maybe pointing out that my heart was in much worse condition than his and that I should let it stay with me and God where it could heal up. Or maybe Jake was starting to feel bad because God was pointing out that it probably wasn’t a good idea to let someone borrow your heart unless you really want to give it to them.

Regardless, one day Jake came over and we held each other’s heart one last time. We decided to no longer lend our hearts out to one another. It felt good to hold his heart one last time and say goodbye. When he left, I didn’t want to give his heart back. He looked at me with such sadness. Understanding. Pity? Maybe. He just whispered gently, "It’s ok. This will be better for us. Give it back, Melissa."

I cried and cried.

But the next day my heart was bleeding less through the muslin and God held it gently, his hand soft and sweet. He said, "We’re getting really close, Melissa. Once we get all the muslin off, we can get put medicine on it and let it feel the cool air and it WILL start to heal. We’ll dress and change the bandage everyday. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt so much, Melissa because we are going to go back before Jake. We are going back before Rob. We will go back to the very first scar, and the very first lash, and the very first bruise. It will hurt so much, but if you let me hold it and let me take care of it, I will make you well."

MUST READ BOOKLIST

2009-08-03T01:56:00.000-07:00

My Summer Reads:

- The Book of James (in the Bible): I just think it's a good summer book.

- The Pilgrim's Regress by C.S. Lewis: I'm currently reading it for the first time, and it is written in these small, PACKED with gold, sections... so packed that sometimes even the titles alone hold a wealth of meaning. I love anything this man has written. (that I've read)

- The Chronicles of Narnia by Clive Staples Lewis: It's the ultimate fiction series... which let's face it: summer reading is perfect for fiction. Fantasy + Fiction + Christian parallels + Aslan= AWESOME-ness. I don't know how many times I've read these guys. Always good. I started in May re-reading... and I'm at Prince Caspian. I'm reading them in the order C.S. Lewis intended them to be read...not the order in which they were written.

- Captivating by John and Stasi Elderedge sp?: It's got some very true and important things to say about women. Lots of focus on healing and recognizing beauty in ourselves.

-The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer: Never read it. Or anything of hers. It just looks good. So I would like to read that.

-Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery: It's summer. It's definitely a summer read. So poetic. It's not for everyone. But if you like drivel and romanticized crap with long and descriptive words and imagery... then you'll like it. It's one of my favorites.

The Shadow and The Wind

2009-08-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

Outside...in the black pitch of night... there is darkness waiting...
It slinks about the walls of this grand fortress...
This grand fortress you have so lovingly constructed for me...

Sometimes I see it's form in the shadow of the wall...
I think it may be a snake...It's deep, throaty voice, coming out in a hiss...
"You will never be loved. You will never be happy. You will never succeed."

You did something didn't you?
To the snake, I mean?

At times, I sense the Shadow... the night in it's descending fear...
But I haven't seen the snake for quite some time.

The other day I went walking... and I saw a snake's head detached and apart from it's body.
It's body lay in a coiled heap on the dusty road.

That very night I heard a soft breeze whispering...It seemed to choke out the Shadow...
Sent it quivering into the glade...
And the hum of the river, just over the hills...Could finally reach my ears.

I heard a sweet whisper in that Wind:
"You are so valuable. You are so beautiful. You are so important to me. I love you so very much."

You killed that snake, didn't you?

Tonight, when the Shadow seems to hover in the clouds...I will believe the Wind.

I will close my eyes, and believe the wind.

Gracias...Terima Kasih...Merci Beaucoup...Gratzie...Danke

2009-07-30T01:58:00.001-07:00

Going to sleep, but needed to note:

Making friends is always good.
Talking till 4 a.m. about God is ALWAYS worth it.
Meeting Brothers in Christ who are excited about life is encouraging.
Not worrying about "love" or "guys" is INCREDIBLY FREEING!
Learning and doing something you love to do all day is contagiously exciting.
Getting $10 off on an oil change is an unexpected joy.
Eating an Eggo at 4 a.m. is yummy but probably not a good idea.

Thanks God.

Carolina del Norte

2009-07-24T20:40:00.001-07:00

Crickets.
Soft blades.
Dark, deep earth.
Sky diamonds.
Dark violet velvet.
The warm, sweet breath of God.
Crackling twigs.
Strict, green bamboo.
Twisting, wicked trees.
Muddy waters.
Laughter.
Joy.
Peace.

Life.

CARRY HIS CLAIM

2009-07-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

Psalm 37:4:
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

This first part is for All My Single Ladies:
It may seem like love and a man to cherish you are forever away... maybe it seems like you shouldn't want for those things... maybe it seems improbable. I do know... that if God has a man for you, then he has a man for you... I also know that God wants good things for you. He put desires in your heart so he could delight in giving them to you. If you have a desire for love, and a husband... let it be. Relax. God wants it for you... If he doesn't, then he will prepare your heart... he will take the desire away... you won't miss it. In the meantime... if you DO desire, you can relax knowing something good is on it's way and relax knowing God will prepare your heart for whatever it needs as long as you entrust it to his care.

JEREMIAH 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have a hard time letting anyone else drive my car. They drive too slow, or they don't listen for the subtle changes in my car to know something is wrong. I also don't like it when cars drive in front of me. I can't see anything! I often get in front of God. I like to be in the front. I like to know where I am going. I think a lot of people are like that. They say, "Ok God, you can lead...tell me where to go... but let me drive!"

Think about it... from an early age, we are asked "our plan" and it continues on... an obsession always with what's ahead of us.

"So what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Where are you going to college?"
"When are you going to get a real job?"
"Have you found a guy yet?"
"You've been married a while, are you pregnant yet?"
"You've had that clunker forever, when are you getting a new car?"
"Do you have a decent retirement plan?"

Nothing is wrong with ambition. Nothing is wrong with having a goal. But so many people live for the next step...what's next on their calendar... what's next in their life... WHERE THEY SHOULD BE SPIRITUALLY... It's like a constant time bomb ticking...

And I hate to break it to you, but there is no freedom in that...and one of God's biggest platforms is Freedom... and I don't think he is JUST talking about sin. I think he means a freedom that comes from trusting a God so big he can handle your sins and your future and your LIFE.

MATTHEW 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Trusting God in all things has to be more than the big things... it has to be more than the future things... it has to be more than the tough things.

TRUST IS REST. TRUST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH GOD!

Trusting God is more than the small things too: We don't need to consult God with what color of socks to wear in the morning. God made us capable to make decisions. Trust is not the same thing as constant consultation. People use God like a Personal Assistant.

"I just don't know which shirt to wear... is the blue one more spiritual because it looks like heaven. I should probably avoid the black and red one then. It looks like hell. Can you get me a cup of coffee? I'm exhausted. How about a new job? I trust you. Thanks. Oh, and look for a bigger office and more pay."

What do you think GIFTS are for? CARRY HIS CLAIM ON YOUR LIFE!!! God has called you as his own and has therefore MARKED you... CLAIMED you. He has armed you with a unique and special artillery. It is all OVER the New Testament. What do you think Paul blabbers on about chapter upon chapter? God armed you with Gifts so you would be capable, functioning, and contributing to his body. His church. Your brothers. Your limbs.

Basically, You can pick out your own socks. Or you have a brother/sister gifted with good fashion sense to help you.

THE POINT IS:

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIFE!

MATTHEW 6:25:
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. (the message)

I can guarantee you half of what you think matters, really doesn't.

What matters is Christ. To LIVE is CHRIST.

So...

Yeah...pray for direction. Pray for God's will. God wants to bless you... but then trust that he will either give the blessings you desire or direct you in a different direction. This touches so many things: occupation, vocation, spouses, family, destination, residence, security, prosperity, and on and on and on and on....

I'm a big believer that God works through open doors/windows... I'm sure you've felt that regret when an opportunity came your way and you didn't take it. Maybe afraid of giving up SECURITY in your present job/relationship/living situation/etc. Trust God and GO for things... apply for jobs if you feel dissatisfied in present occupations, volunteer somewhere in your community if you are looking for somewhere to help. If you trust God, I can guarantee he will let you know what is up. He closes doors too.

PSALM 118: 24:
This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!

SEIZE THE DAY! Isn't that a biblical principal? Doesn't God point out several times in scripture to LIVE FOR TODAY!? CARPE DIEM PEOPLE! WAKE UP!

Your life is now.

You've got RIGHT now. Right this minute. Not the vacation your taking with your family in a few weeks... not the day you learned to tie your shoe... not the raise you get after working at your new job for a year. RIGHT NOW.

Live every moment as though it were your last. THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE!

Trust HIM with your life, so you can start LIVING IT!

Moving to NORTH CAROLINA

2009-07-19T18:19:00.001-07:00

So...

When you pray for opportunities...

When you wait...

When you look for open doors and windows...

And When you ACTUALLY go through them...

Your life changes.

Life didn't begin when I graduated from college. It didn't begin when I left my parent's home after high school. Sometimes people wrongly push people towards this "HUGE MOMENT"- graduation, college, "destiny"... saying... "Here it is... here is where your life begins."

My life began when I was born... and every moment after. I am living now. Without a husband. Without babies. Without a ton of money. And my life is counting for something.

You don't need a huge destination, or a fancy job, or a spouse, or a college degree.

Arm yourselves with God. Carry his claim on your life. All you need, right?

So.... I am moving to North Carolina. I just accepted a position as Technical Director and Office Manager at The Rocky Hock Playhouse in Washington, NC. Lots of responsibility and a unique opportunity to actually use my college degrees in my occupation. Really rare for all of my renaissance expertise.

This blog is not about North Carolina. I am starting a new blog, because God is calling me to a new aspect of my journey. Let it be about light. Let it be about letting God mold me into something. Let it be about pudding.

It's life.